Bawat Gabi

May mga piling gabi kung saan tayo ay nagtatagpo sa dilim—planado man o biglang napag desisyunan. Kung iisipin ng iba ito ay mga gabi kung saan tayo’y naghahanap ng makakasama, mga gabi na tayo ay magisa, mga gabi na ang hanap natin ay isa’t isa. Pero sila’y nagkakamali dahil itong mga gabi, kung saan ika’y aking katabi, ay mga gabi na hanap ay ang katawan ng isa’t isa. Ito ay yung mga gabi na wala na tayong pakielam sa sasabihin ng iba. Ito’y mga gabi na pinairial natin ang uhaw ng isa’t isa.

Ang unang mga gabi ay punong-puno ng pagdududa. Hindi natin alam kung ang atin bang ginagawa ay mali o may unting pagkakatama. Tayo ay natatakot sa posibleng sinasabi ng iba pero alam natin sa sarili natin na hindi ito ang katotohanan. Ikaw ay tila ba nabababagabag tuwing nangyayari eto gabi-gabi. Ako, eto, ginagawa lamang ang mga ito dahil ayaw na ata kita pakawalan pa.

Habang tumatagal ay nagiging kumportable na tayo sa isa’t isa. Galawan natin ay hindi na limitado, pagkikita natin ay nangyayari tuwing linggo-linggo. Tayo ay tila ba magkasintahan lamang tuwing tayo ay nagkikita sa mga gabing katulad nito, pero alam natin ang katotohanan, na iyon lamang ay isang mapaglarong biro. Pero ang ating pagsasama ay hindi ganun ganun lamang. Ang ating pagsasama ay para bang isang laro ng buhay kung saan tayo ay bida.

Sana lamang ay dumating ang isang gabi, na ika’y mapapatingin sa akin at maaalala mong hindi nga pala tayo isang laruan lamang. Tayo ay mga tao na merong nararamdaman. Tayo ay mga taong hindi basta basta ang nararamdaman. Tayo ay mga tao. Tayo ay mga tao at kailangan natin ang isa’t isa. Ikaw, kailangan kita.

3 x You

The first time I saw you, it was bright. The sun was rooting for you like it was telling me that you will bring light to my life. Everything was hot and so thrilling.

The second time I saw you it was mild and normal. You were just there in a simple room with an ambiance too familiar I didn’t bother anymore because I’m already used to it.

The third time I saw you it was as dark as the room where we did each other. I never saw your face. Just those big brown eyes, looking at me like you can see me despite the darkness.

Three times.

I saw you three times and I’m still undecided.

Undecided on who makes my heart beat the most.

The first time I saw you, I greeted you with a smile. And the only thing I saw in that moment was you. Everything became all about you. Just you. For a long time, I was staring at you and waiting for you.

The second time I saw you, I just looked at you. Funny how it felt like I was supposed to know you when really, I don’t even know your name. And I just kept looking at you unless you look back at me, I would obviously look away.

The third time I saw you, I felt vulnerable. I laid myself out to you. I was looking at your eyes, trying to understand what you really wanted from me.

Three times.

I saw you three times and I’m still undecided.

Undecided on whether what I was feeling was ever true.

The first time I saw you, you were distant at first but then after weeks of talking, we got closer. And closer and closer and closer. But it was like a thunderstorm went through and destroyed whatever we built. Now you’re nowhere to be seen.

The second time I saw you, I really didn’t know you. But after weeks of being in the same room together with people we both know, I finally knew your name. And now we talk to each other through our eyes and smiles.

The third time I saw you, we were close, too close. Your touch lingered on every inch of my body. That look in your eyes lingered even after we did it. That look in your eyes that made me feel like I was appreciated despite how dirty we looked.

Three times—no, three persons.

I didn’t saw you three times, you were three different persons.

Undecided on who I will continue to see.