Akala ko ba bakasyon na ako?

‘Di ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit naiinis ako ngayon.

Pero eto ang sigurado ako. ‘Di ako naiinis dahil nalaman kong finalist pala ako sa isang major subject ko dahil medyo naramdaman ko na yun pagkatapos palang nung pangatlong pagsusulit namin. ‘Di ko rin alam kung sapat bang rason na mainis ako dahil parang walang may pake sa pagiging finalist ko sa subject na ito. Dahil pagkatapos kong sabihin sa mga taong malapit sakin ay tila wala man lang silang sense of care or pagaalala sakin. Mas lalo akong nasaktan nung sinabi ko ito sa papa ko. Bakit ang una niyang tanong sakin ay “Bakit?” Bakit daw nagkaganon? Bakit ganun ang nangyari? Para bang pinaparating niya na may mali akong ginawa kaya kailangan ko pang maghabol ng grado. Ang totoo naman kasi ay di ko rin alam. Di ko rin aakalain na aabot ako hanggang sa finals dahil alam kong ginawa ko ang best ko sa subject na ito. Ngunit mukhang minaliit ko ata masyado, ayon binawian ako.

Dahil din ata sa pangyayaring eto ay na-validate ko yung paniniwala ko na walang nakakaalala sakin o walang may pake sakin. Natatawa ako, dinidibdib ko ata masyado yung di pag-contact sakin ng aming instructor para man lang maabisuhan kami na kami pala ay mag-fafinalsAng dating kasi sakin ay para bang ‘di ako karapatdapat na makaalam nun. Parang wala silang pake sakin kung ipapasa ko ba ito o hindi. Meron pa bang may pake sakin?

Sana lang ay pagdating ng Lunes ay maging handa ako. Sana kinabukasan tanggap ko na na finalist ako, na hindi ako nasabihan agad, o na hindi ko man lang chineck. Sana matapos ko ‘tong sem ko na ‘to nang matiwasay at walang pagsisisi.

How Did I Get Here?

In that moment, I swear all I ever wanted was to get to know you. I wanted to know all of you. I wanted to know the reason why you wanted to see me. I wanted to know why you asked to meet me. I wanted to know why. I honestly didn’t expect anything but casual conversations with you. All I ever wanted from that moment was for you to ask questions about me and then I’ll also ask questions about you.

But for a little moment, I wanted to hold your hand while yours were close to mine. For a moment, I wanted to put my head on your shoulder while you were leaning too close to me. For quite a moment there, I wanted to kiss those lips—those lips telling me what I needed to know. But I just kept it all in my head. I kept it all in my head because I don’t even want anything from you.

Just a little distance from each other is what is keeping me from doing all those things.

But in this moment, you broke that distance. And suddenly you’re too close to me. Suddenly I can smell that boyish cologne, so distinct I think I won’t forget that smell for a long time. Suddenly your hands were intertwined with mine. It all happened so suddenly and I liked it for a bit but I know that I was already feeling how uncomfortable everything was.

In this moment, your hands were all over me. It went from my hair, then to my neck, all the way down to what you’re trying to touch ever since this touching started. Then you made me touch you. While you were holding my hand, you made me touch you. “This is not what I wanted” was all I can think of. I think it was your kisses. I think it was the kisses. The kisses that I’ve been longing from someone from a long time, the kisses that I’ve always wanted to have, the kisses that I haven’t received even if I deserve to.

You made me do things I didn’t even want to do. It all feels so wrong.

When change is more consistent than you

I don’t know why but it’s always during this time of the semester–almost at the end, people are becoming busy, and at the same time you have nothing else to do to make you look like you’re busy–that things start to change. I mean by this time, you realize things aren’t the same as they were during the start of the semester.

Just like when this semester was just starting, I was always out. You would always find me with my friends out during the night, probably drinking or just out late at night talking to each other. Then when first exams were just approaching, you would see me with new people. And I find it really hard adjusting to new people, especially when you’re also supposed to get to know a huge number of people. It really took all my energy when I was in that phase of this semester. Ugh, too much exposure to new people just drains the shit out of me. Because by then, I was already spending late nights with them and not with my friends. And these are new people and I’m just the type of person who hates meeting new people because I tend to go with the flow regardless how I hate their character just because we’re not close enough for me to even say that to them.

Then as weeks pass by and it’s as if all of us have used up all our energy, no one asks out for dinner. No one would randomly message you and just talk to you. No one suddenly wants to hang out with you. It’s as if all of the new people I’ve met suddenly forgot about me and I don’t even know why. And that’s why I’m sad about this. It’s because I don’t even know how things became like this and I also don’t know if it’s because of the natural way of the world or it’s just because I wasn’t aware of anything–because of me.

Why is it always like this? Why is it when I was already used to their presence, when I was already well-adjusted, and when I was already face to whatever they want to tell me, that’s when they start to walk away? Walking away is probably not the right term but that’s how I felt. Makes me feel like all my efforts are just nothing. It’s like I’ve wasted time getting to know them, making them like me because I want to get to know them more. In fact, with this action that they’re showing me, they’re giving more than what I’ve already got by just observing them. So much for giving everything.

You know what I got from this? That I don’t want to meet new people. Meeting new people are tiring and just a waste of time and effort. That I don’t want to put effort on anyone anymore. I don’t want to waste any of my anything for another person because I feel like I won’t get it back.

But I know these are all lies. I know that meeting new people is still something to look forward to when you’re with friends, when you’re at an event, or even when you’re just scrolling through social media. Because new people give us new experiences and new experiences give us new lessons in life and that’s a good thing.

When you’re sick and sick of this set up

Today I wasn’t feeling too well. My body was weak. I felt cold. My mind was aching. I couldn’t help myself to get up and play with my dog. I wasn’t hungry enough to eat too much. I wanted to vomit everything I ate. All I could think of was how unlucky I was to be feeling this way during a mini-vacation.

But today I just lied down on my bed. And slept. And slept. And thought of you.

While I was trying to get myself to sleep during the middle of the day when the sun was up and it was very hot, I thought of you and how innocent everything was back then. I remembered that first night when you told me to sleep with you–beside you. And that was the moment we were both convinced that it’s all just nothing, we’re still just friends. We just cuddled and that was it.

I then remembered how you kissed me two days after that. That kiss, so rough, so hard, it made me feel like you really wanted me. Then it took me back to that moment in your apartment. When you just spent the rest of the night with me and you didn’t want me to go. We just kept talking and talking and talking. You didn’t want me to go. You even gave me food to eat, even though it wasn’t mine in the first place.

Everything was so special back then. Everything was just simple and ordinary. I wonder who made the mistake of doing something that made all of this worst? Was it you because you can’t control how horny you were? Was it me because I made a big deal of everything? Was it you because you asked me to do things and I would no doubt do it? Was it me because I was too fragile and I overthink a lot? Or maybe it was both of us, because we both took advantage of each other?

Is it even still possible to be back to where we started? When we were just friends who talk to each other about academics and other things like how stupid I was with that other guys? When we were just casually eating dinner or lunch? When just a simple as a hi was not hard for me to do?

April 14, 2017: It took me a long time to realize this

My parents raised me in such a traditional way. By this, I mean they wanted me to do things based on the social norms, the typical gender roles and such things. They would buy me Barbie and Hello Kitty branded stuff. They dressed me up as girly as I can be from skirts to boots.

Besides all those gender roles they gave me, they also raised me in such a way that we would follow what everyone was doing. Birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, outing with the family, fiestas around the barangay. All of those gatherings that what was then exciting for me became a thing that was forced for me to be on.

What a great life I have! Traditional na nga Katoliko paWala na bang ikacoconservative pa ‘tong magulang ko?

Well, let me answer that question first.

They’re so conservative to the point that my dad prefers long hair for my mom and I than a really short hair. I remember that moment when my mom decided to cut her hair “boy” short and my dad was acting weird like he didn’t like how it looked, like he didn’t liked my mom’s decision to cut her hair that short. I also remember how I would always suggest to cut my hair shoulder length that one summer because my hair was too long already and it was freaking hot and all my dad said was “Wag na lang.” Makes me want to color my hair so blonde or maybe some really bright colors like pastel pink.

They’re so conservative that being in a relationship is not “okay” with them. Whenever my relatives would ask me if I already have a boyfriend I always wanted to answer “Wala pa eh. Wala pang oras para dun.” (None. I don’t have time for that.) But surprise surprise, they would always butt in and say this instead: “Wala pa. Bawal pa.” (None. She’s not allowed to.) The difference is so clear. So clear I’m thinking of keeping a secret boyfriend instead.

They’re so conservative that they still laugh at “bakla’s” and “tomboy’s.” I’m like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I honestly experienced laughing at such persons because hello, my parents were doing it, so it isn’t wrong obviously? But with what I have learned from the world already. They shouldn’t do that. Nope. Never. No fucking way. Made me think like what if, hypothetically, I come out as bisexual, how would they react?

So, what is my point here? My point is this: Maybe they got used to controlling my decisions–like the way they raised me, the environment I grew up in, and the things they taught me–that when the time comes that I wanted to make a decision for myself they would feel like there’s something wrong… well not with them, but with me.

Having such religious parents is hard especially when I’m in that phase where I’m still finding myself and looking for the right path. You know, teenage angst. Recently, I acted a little weird during mass and after mass. I didn’t take communion. I refused to go in the church. I rejected my parent’s offer to take confession.

That’s where everything I said comes in. All I can think of right now is maybe they’re judging me already the way they would judge “bakla’s” and “tomboy’s.” They’re probably thinking that I’m starting to lose my shit that I’m slowly walking away from being a Catholic. (Well not, ‘cause obviously I still go to mass every Sunday because it’s been a fucking routine and I can’t get it out of my system.) They’re probably thinking that they need to do something because I’m in the evil side of things now.

I hope they’re not thinking that because they’re wrong.

I’m just looking for myself right now. Trying things because maybe some things will finally make sense to me. All I need right now is their understanding and not them being in control of my life and my decisions. What’s bad with going the other way and not the traditional way? What’s wrong with finally I’m doing something for myself?

Because the least that I need right now is my parents being so controlling. Making me do things I don’t want to do. Because that will just trigger me. Could probably trigger my depression or my suicidal thoughts again or worse to walk out of their lives.

Too Much is Too Much

Remember how you would always appreciate the love you receive from your friends and family? The way they acknowledge your presence? The way they always remember to care for you? The way they always make you sure that you know that they love you?

Remember how that made you feel?

It made you feel as if you’re the best person in the world. It made you feel as if nothing’s wrong with you. It made you feel as if no one will ever leave you behind. But at the end of the day you still long for the attention of someone who doesn’t even care for you.

Regardless of the countless number of people who remembers that you are worth it in their life, you still want the presence of someone who doesn’t even remember the small things about you the same way you remember his. That even though all other persons would tell you that they’ll always be there for you, you still want that certain person who doesn’t even take a minute to even glance at you. That person who makes you feel like you’re shittier and messier than you already are. That person who wouldn’t want to hang out with you but still talks to you in chat boxes and text messages. That person who you still want to be with but he doesn’t want anything but space.

It’s so ironic how we want someone that doesn’t want us back even though there are a lot of people who are there for us whenever we need them. It makes you think if you really appreciate the little things. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Why do we make ourselves suffer the pain of waiting to be appreciated by someone? Why are we letting ourselves be trash?

Because I know that I am so much better than this.

I am so much better than being ignored. I deserve the attention because I am a caring person. I appreciate other people and I deserve to be appreciated back. I think about people a lot, and that’s something important from a person who feels like they’re not worth it in anyone’s lives.

I’ll get through this, I guess. I hope so.

Stop and all the thoughts that occurred to me after you said that word

I still remember that day when you finally smiled back at me. I was wearing a plain white shirt paired with turquoise shorts. I was studying for my exams that day when you called my attention to borrow something and it’s as if everything was back to normal. As if nothing bad had happened between us. As if there’s nothing to worry about. You smiled back at me so innocently that I wanted to instantly smile back at you just so you would know that I appreciated that small act of kindness.

But I never really did.

Because I know that deep inside you’re still judging me. You’re judging me because of what you know about me—the worse kind of things. But what can I say? You knew me because of those things. Those were your first impressions of me besides being that innocent and shy girl you see in class, someone who doesn’t know the answer to the question our professor asked her.

One day you told me to stop whatever we were doing with ourselves. I don’t know exactly why, but you did. Right back then, I swore I was nervous. I was nervous of the days after that day. Will I be able to talk to you again? Will I be able to reach out to you again? Will I still be able to consider you as a friend?

Because just so you know, I’m really afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of letting people go. I’m afraid of setting them free.

But, you know, at the same time I’m also afraid of keeping them. I’m afraid that they might get scared of my attitude. I’m afraid that they won’t show up after a while because I gave them a reason to go away.

Maybe that’s what happened the first time you told me to stop whatever we were doing. I got overwhelmed with you presence. I got too relaxed and comfortable with you that I never really thought through my actions towards you. I got no control of myself that all I ever thought about was my feelings and I never really considered yours.

But surprise, you came running back. You came back and told me all the shit about me. You told me that I was a sad teenager and that’s not a good thing. You told me that I need a boyfriend even though I keep saying “No, I don’t need a boyfriend or anyone in particular.” There was also a time when you told me why I am depressed, that I am crazy, that I need to stop blaming all to myself.

And I thought it was making me good. Well, it was making me feel worse and great at the same time. Because you also came back and gave us the permission to do it all again. You told me that you trust me again. And that was it, sealed with a kiss.

A kiss of death.

Nobody warned me enough that this life will be hard. That this kind of lifestyle will need a lot of understanding and patience. That it requires a whole lot of the “I don’t care” attitude towards everything. Nobody warned me that I will learn how to hide the pain and shame as I keep on going in this lifestyle.

All I wanted was to be appreciated. All I wanted was to feel like I was important. All I wanted was the attention and satisfaction.

And I thought I got all of that after that moment that you kissed me. I thought you came running back because I can give it all to you. I thought you were looking for me because all you can ever think about was me. You even told me that you consider me as your best friend. You even held me and kept me in your arms as if you needed me so badly.

It all turned out to be such fake imitation of what you really think of me.

Because the second time you told me that we need to stop whatever we were doing, you told me that what you need is just a friend. But not a friend who keeps on talking to you all the time, who I can ask if we can go to dinner or go for drinks, basically not a best friend, but a friend who gives you space and will not really talk to you that much because we might become a hot issue or who will not ever ask you to hangout ever again.

And now, I’m sorry, but I hate myself.

I hate myself for believing whatever I thought you meant that day you kissed my lips again. I hate myself for thinking you really cared about me when in fact all you really cared about is you and whatever is good to you. I hate myself for thinking that you’ll like me enough because I can give you what you want.

I hate myself for not ending this sooner. Everything becomes bad when it comes to you. I hate it because I even did things I never thought I’d do to someone who just doesn’t care about me. You’re the trigger to my depression right now and all I want to do is not get a taste of you anymore.

But I’m scared, once again. I’m scared that if I start ghosting you, you’ll forget about me. You’ll not remember that I’m still here, your “friend.” I’m just really scared of losing another person in my life who really knows me. I’m done with people leaving me behind with all the memories they made with me and it’s as if I’m the only who cherish them.