When You Thought You’re Finally Doing Okay

I thought I was finally doing okay. I thought that I finally know how to be happy. I thought I was already done with my depressed state. But guess who’s going back to that pit hole of darkness again?

I definitely know what triggered it. But, of course just like before, I still don’t know why that was a trigger for me. Am I just petty? Am I just sensitive? Am I just selfish? I can’t help but think that I’m just being “maarte” even though no one’s telling me that I am…well because I don’t share these feelings to them. I can’t even tell these to my friends or my family because the thought that they’ve had so much of me already or that they have it worse keeps killing me.

Funny how just a week before this day, I was doing okay. I was finally dancing again. I was surrounded with people who I thought understands me and who I thought believes in me. I was dreaming of a really nice future ahead of me. I was planning things again because I wanted to do new things. I wanted to meet someone new.

And now everything just crumbled down just like that. Just because of one simple task I didn’t do. Just because I was feeling possessive and clingy. Just because, I was being me.

Now I’m back sulking on my bed while binge-watching a series all day. I don’t have any energy to do anything inside the house. I just keep on eating and sleeping. I would follow my feelings more instead of thinking if what I’m doing would be logical or not. I’m drowning in my emotions. Suddenly, I became a lot clingier, makes me push people away instead of making them stay which is what I really want. Suddenly I’m making more impulsive decisions. There’s too much emotions in my head right now which makes me want to cry all the time.

I’m back to this state. I thought I was done making myself cry all the time because of the feeling that I am worth nothing. I thought I was finally making good decisions for myself for choosing the right people to be with, the right person to spend time with, and the right path I’m supposed to go through. I thought I was making myself happy. I guess, I thought wrong.