When You Thought You’re Finally Doing Okay

I thought I was finally doing okay. I thought that I finally know how to be happy. I thought I was already done with my depressed state. But guess who’s going back to that pit hole of darkness again?

I definitely know what triggered it. But, of course just like before, I still don’t know why that was a trigger for me. Am I just petty? Am I just sensitive? Am I just selfish? I can’t help but think that I’m just being “maarte” even though no one’s telling me that I am…well because I don’t share these feelings to them. I can’t even tell these to my friends or my family because the thought that they’ve had so much of me already or that they have it worse keeps killing me.

Funny how just a week before this day, I was doing okay. I was finally dancing again. I was surrounded with people who I thought understands me and who I thought believes in me. I was dreaming of a really nice future ahead of me. I was planning things again because I wanted to do new things. I wanted to meet someone new.

And now everything just crumbled down just like that. Just because of one simple task I didn’t do. Just because I was feeling possessive and clingy. Just because, I was being me.

Now I’m back sulking on my bed while binge-watching a series all day. I don’t have any energy to do anything inside the house. I just keep on eating and sleeping. I would follow my feelings more instead of thinking if what I’m doing would be logical or not. I’m drowning in my emotions. Suddenly, I became a lot clingier, makes me push people away instead of making them stay which is what I really want. Suddenly I’m making more impulsive decisions. There’s too much emotions in my head right now which makes me want to cry all the time.

I’m back to this state. I thought I was done making myself cry all the time because of the feeling that I am worth nothing. I thought I was finally making good decisions for myself for choosing the right people to be with, the right person to spend time with, and the right path I’m supposed to go through. I thought I was making myself happy. I guess, I thought wrong.

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I Think I’ve Gone Insane

I don’t even know where to start in this madness of emotions that I just experienced. It felt like it was too much for just one night. It felt like I was getting ready for something harsher than that.

You know how you’re in that one group of friends and they tell you to not fall in love with your friend because duh? It kind of felt like that when I saw him again.

Funny because he was the first person I saw as soon as I got there and look at how this turns more to a joke, we never spoke. Just casual conversations. Just hello’s and hi’s. Just laughs shared with other people in the group. It’s unlike us. Or maybe I was just expecting to have maybe shared a conversation with him because I missed him. I miss talking to him. I miss his comforting words. I miss his optimism because I need that right now. I miss just being with him.

Instead I was stuck with trying to socialize. Trying to fit in with the crowd. Trying to do the things that they do. Just because if I wouldn’t, I’d be left out. And nobody would like that—but it was a great idea, to be left alone—they would just think how I’m such of a killjoy. Maybe it was the flow of the few alcohol drinks that I took that made me join their conversations and play with them.

Card game sucked. I was planning my move with him, yet he keeps on going around because apparently he’s already a leader or something. People keeps on leaving me behind so I just follow them. Bobo game made me feel much more stupid as fuck. Their dares, stares, and laughs just made me want to kill myself right there in front of them just to make them feel how much it hurts me even though I know they’re really not laughing at me—or are they?

Would they even have cared? Of course not.

And then came the worse. They felt pity on me. That really hit me. It hit me so hard that maybe these people around me actually think that I’m such a weakling. That I can’t handle any truths or dares anymore. That I can’t handle the pressure of thinking of a thing under that category.

So I finally made the decision to back off and just think oh I’m sorry, overthink.

I was sitting there beside two other people just watching them. While I listen to their memory game, I pondered how it feels to drown in that pool. How I would just let myself lose my breath in that deep part of the pool where the water was already above my head. How I suck because I can’t keep up with their genius and fast brains that catch up easily. How I am not really that strong for giving up and making them think that I had enough.

And I slowly look at them and caught him looking at me and I just slowly put my head down because I can’t believe I’m assuming again. I can’t believe it. Maybe I just wanted someone to see what I am doing. Maybe I wanted someone to realize that I’m feeling sad and it’s not good.

In the end, they stopped playing. People started chatting with me so I talked to them as well. But one person still haven’t. And I hate how this night turned out. Because I still wanted to talk to him, tell him things that made me happy, tell him things that went well. And I wanted to ask him how he is doing.

This is what I get for expecting too much.

This is what I get for having so much feelings.

This is what I get for liking someone who I would spend so much time very often and so it becomes weird and awkward between us without me even knowing if he does know that I like him or does he not?

This is what I get for being me.

It sucks. I hate myself. What’s funny was that I know I was having fun and was all energetic before this happened and then just like that, everything changes. I became sad and furious and mad. Then I suddenly want to talk to people again. After a while, I hate everyone again. I’m so hopeless.