Needed a new environment to be able to learn to appreciate

I started this semester with a lot in my head. I was running after a boy who didn’t like me back, I was thinking if I will continue my dancing, and I was depressed. Add it up with the fact that all of my subjects consists of majors except for one. It was too stressing for me, I guess I got overwhelmed. There was so much to think about that in the end I needed to sacrifice one. It was dancing. I chose to stop for one semester because of the academic load that overwhelmed me and the fact that dancing or the group was the main cause of my stress and depression from last semester.

Since I didn’t had training for four hours, I was able to enjoy my college night life. Finally. For the first few weeks, I would always be out drinking with my friends. Alcohol was my friend. I also found a new friend, cigarettes. Yosi, pare. Told myself I would just take them whenever I’m drinking but guess who made it a habit to at least have one every day? Slightly regretting it because of my dancing but also not because it definitely soothes my stressful days.

I also definitely met a whole lot of new people. From the inumans to my classes, my socializing game definitely went up from an average. There were still shy moments (I can never take it out of my system) but I still got to communicate with these people. I got to hang out with other people too. And because of this, this semester also opened me to different kinds of people and I got to understand and accept them.

But when it got to the middle of the semester, the hype of my life went from its highest to the lowest. Suddenly people were not talking to me anymore—those new people. Suddenly I would go back to my apartment too early that my body won’t sleep unless it went outside at least. Suddenly all those new friends and new experiences were stuck in that phase of my life, it’s like I didn’t bring them while I kept on living my life. It was like life just made me taste it.

I also got a little serious when it comes to my academics. I would study two nights before, sometimes. I’m also focused enough to remember stuff. I can also say that I passed all my subjects this semester and it was fulfilling considering my GWA from last semester. This was definitely an improvement. Hope this continues even when I come back to dancing. Which lead me to my next point.

This semester I also realized how deeply in love I already am with the group and dancing. Whenever I can, I would always give time to them at least. I would get news from them. Which made me want to go back, and now here I am. I ended the semester as the new elected finance committee head of the group. I ended the semester kind of satisfied with my academics. I ended the semester happy and okay. I needed this semester, free from anything.

Here’s to another successful semester with new knowledge and experiences!

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Akala ko ba bakasyon na ako?

‘Di ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit naiinis ako ngayon.

Pero eto ang sigurado ako. ‘Di ako naiinis dahil nalaman kong finalist pala ako sa isang major subject ko dahil medyo naramdaman ko na yun pagkatapos palang nung pangatlong pagsusulit namin. ‘Di ko rin alam kung sapat bang rason na mainis ako dahil parang walang may pake sa pagiging finalist ko sa subject na ito. Dahil pagkatapos kong sabihin sa mga taong malapit sakin ay tila wala man lang silang sense of care or pagaalala sakin. Mas lalo akong nasaktan nung sinabi ko ito sa papa ko. Bakit ang una niyang tanong sakin ay “Bakit?” Bakit daw nagkaganon? Bakit ganun ang nangyari? Para bang pinaparating niya na may mali akong ginawa kaya kailangan ko pang maghabol ng grado. Ang totoo naman kasi ay di ko rin alam. Di ko rin aakalain na aabot ako hanggang sa finals dahil alam kong ginawa ko ang best ko sa subject na ito. Ngunit mukhang minaliit ko ata masyado, ayon binawian ako.

Dahil din ata sa pangyayaring eto ay na-validate ko yung paniniwala ko na walang nakakaalala sakin o walang may pake sakin. Natatawa ako, dinidibdib ko ata masyado yung di pag-contact sakin ng aming instructor para man lang maabisuhan kami na kami pala ay mag-fafinalsAng dating kasi sakin ay para bang ‘di ako karapatdapat na makaalam nun. Parang wala silang pake sakin kung ipapasa ko ba ito o hindi. Meron pa bang may pake sakin?

Sana lang ay pagdating ng Lunes ay maging handa ako. Sana kinabukasan tanggap ko na na finalist ako, na hindi ako nasabihan agad, o na hindi ko man lang chineck. Sana matapos ko ‘tong sem ko na ‘to nang matiwasay at walang pagsisisi.

How Did I Get Here?

In that moment, I swear all I ever wanted was to get to know you. I wanted to know all of you. I wanted to know the reason why you wanted to see me. I wanted to know why you asked to meet me. I wanted to know why. I honestly didn’t expect anything but casual conversations with you. All I ever wanted from that moment was for you to ask questions about me and then I’ll also ask questions about you.

But for a little moment, I wanted to hold your hand while yours were close to mine. For a moment, I wanted to put my head on your shoulder while you were leaning too close to me. For quite a moment there, I wanted to kiss those lips—those lips telling me what I needed to know. But I just kept it all in my head. I kept it all in my head because I don’t even want anything from you.

Just a little distance from each other is what is keeping me from doing all those things.

But in this moment, you broke that distance. And suddenly you’re too close to me. Suddenly I can smell that boyish cologne, so distinct I think I won’t forget that smell for a long time. Suddenly your hands were intertwined with mine. It all happened so suddenly and I liked it for a bit but I know that I was already feeling how uncomfortable everything was.

In this moment, your hands were all over me. It went from my hair, then to my neck, all the way down to what you’re trying to touch ever since this touching started. Then you made me touch you. While you were holding my hand, you made me touch you. “This is not what I wanted” was all I can think of. I think it was your kisses. I think it was the kisses. The kisses that I’ve been longing from someone from a long time, the kisses that I’ve always wanted to have, the kisses that I haven’t received even if I deserve to.

You made me do things I didn’t even want to do. It all feels so wrong.

Bawat Gabi

May mga piling gabi kung saan tayo ay nagtatagpo sa dilim—planado man o biglang napag desisyunan. Kung iisipin ng iba ito ay mga gabi kung saan tayo’y naghahanap ng makakasama, mga gabi na tayo ay magisa, mga gabi na ang hanap natin ay isa’t isa. Pero sila’y nagkakamali dahil itong mga gabi, kung saan ika’y aking katabi, ay mga gabi na hanap ay ang katawan ng isa’t isa. Ito ay yung mga gabi na wala na tayong pakielam sa sasabihin ng iba. Ito’y mga gabi na pinairial natin ang uhaw ng isa’t isa.

Ang unang mga gabi ay punong-puno ng pagdududa. Hindi natin alam kung ang atin bang ginagawa ay mali o may unting pagkakatama. Tayo ay natatakot sa posibleng sinasabi ng iba pero alam natin sa sarili natin na hindi ito ang katotohanan. Ikaw ay tila ba nabababagabag tuwing nangyayari eto gabi-gabi. Ako, eto, ginagawa lamang ang mga ito dahil ayaw na ata kita pakawalan pa.

Habang tumatagal ay nagiging kumportable na tayo sa isa’t isa. Galawan natin ay hindi na limitado, pagkikita natin ay nangyayari tuwing linggo-linggo. Tayo ay tila ba magkasintahan lamang tuwing tayo ay nagkikita sa mga gabing katulad nito, pero alam natin ang katotohanan, na iyon lamang ay isang mapaglarong biro. Pero ang ating pagsasama ay hindi ganun ganun lamang. Ang ating pagsasama ay para bang isang laro ng buhay kung saan tayo ay bida.

Sana lamang ay dumating ang isang gabi, na ika’y mapapatingin sa akin at maaalala mong hindi nga pala tayo isang laruan lamang. Tayo ay mga tao na merong nararamdaman. Tayo ay mga taong hindi basta basta ang nararamdaman. Tayo ay mga tao. Tayo ay mga tao at kailangan natin ang isa’t isa. Ikaw, kailangan kita.

When change is more consistent than you

I don’t know why but it’s always during this time of the semester–almost at the end, people are becoming busy, and at the same time you have nothing else to do to make you look like you’re busy–that things start to change. I mean by this time, you realize things aren’t the same as they were during the start of the semester.

Just like when this semester was just starting, I was always out. You would always find me with my friends out during the night, probably drinking or just out late at night talking to each other. Then when first exams were just approaching, you would see me with new people. And I find it really hard adjusting to new people, especially when you’re also supposed to get to know a huge number of people. It really took all my energy when I was in that phase of this semester. Ugh, too much exposure to new people just drains the shit out of me. Because by then, I was already spending late nights with them and not with my friends. And these are new people and I’m just the type of person who hates meeting new people because I tend to go with the flow regardless how I hate their character just because we’re not close enough for me to even say that to them.

Then as weeks pass by and it’s as if all of us have used up all our energy, no one asks out for dinner. No one would randomly message you and just talk to you. No one suddenly wants to hang out with you. It’s as if all of the new people I’ve met suddenly forgot about me and I don’t even know why. And that’s why I’m sad about this. It’s because I don’t even know how things became like this and I also don’t know if it’s because of the natural way of the world or it’s just because I wasn’t aware of anything–because of me.

Why is it always like this? Why is it when I was already used to their presence, when I was already well-adjusted, and when I was already face to whatever they want to tell me, that’s when they start to walk away? Walking away is probably not the right term but that’s how I felt. Makes me feel like all my efforts are just nothing. It’s like I’ve wasted time getting to know them, making them like me because I want to get to know them more. In fact, with this action that they’re showing me, they’re giving more than what I’ve already got by just observing them. So much for giving everything.

You know what I got from this? That I don’t want to meet new people. Meeting new people are tiring and just a waste of time and effort. That I don’t want to put effort on anyone anymore. I don’t want to waste any of my anything for another person because I feel like I won’t get it back.

But I know these are all lies. I know that meeting new people is still something to look forward to when you’re with friends, when you’re at an event, or even when you’re just scrolling through social media. Because new people give us new experiences and new experiences give us new lessons in life and that’s a good thing.

Eto nanaman ako

Pinagiisipan

Kung ikaw nga ba ay susulatan

Di naman kasi yun ang aking pinangako

 

Di parin ba ako susuko?

Tanong sa sarili ng paulitulit

Sa mga panahong hindi ko masulit

Ang pagusapan ang aking puso

 

Ikaw, ano sa tingin mo?

Ang makakapagintindi

Netong pasakit na nananatili?

Nananatili, sa bibig ko…

how do you even react

when you’re all alone

maybe

just

like this

one, by, one, in, spaces, in stops,

because nobody even listens to me

no body

i try to tell them what’s wrong

but all i get is

 

maybe I should just stop

listening to them

maybe I should just stop

acting that I care

maybe I should just stop

living

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