Ang Naiwan Ay Wala

Naranasan mo na ba

Na ika’y mapagiwanan

Hindi dahil siya ay lumayo

Ngunit dahil hindi ka na makasabay

 

Hindi ka makasabay sa daloy ng usapan

Hindi ka makasabay sa yapak ng mga paa

Tipong nakikitawa ka na lang

Dahil hindi mo alam ang pinaguusapan nila

 

Tanging tanong nila ay

“Malungkot ka ba?”

Pero ang maisasagot ko na lang ay

“Di ko na din alam”

 

Dahil ang totoo ay pagod lang ako

At wala na akong magawang iba

Gusto ko na lang ay matulog

Ar mawalan ng pake sa iba

 

Ngunit pag iyon ay aking ginawa

Ako ay tila mawawalan ng isipan

At ako ay napagiiwanan na

Gusto ko na lang ay buhay katapusan

When you’re sick and sick of this set up

Today I wasn’t feeling too well. My body was weak. I felt cold. My mind was aching. I couldn’t help myself to get up and play with my dog. I wasn’t hungry enough to eat too much. I wanted to vomit everything I ate. All I could think of was how unlucky I was to be feeling this way during a mini-vacation.

But today I just lied down on my bed. And slept. And slept. And thought of you.

While I was trying to get myself to sleep during the middle of the day when the sun was up and it was very hot, I thought of you and how innocent everything was back then. I remembered that first night when you told me to sleep with you–beside you. And that was the moment we were both convinced that it’s all just nothing, we’re still just friends. We just cuddled and that was it.

I then remembered how you kissed me two days after that. That kiss, so rough, so hard, it made me feel like you really wanted me. Then it took me back to that moment in your apartment. When you just spent the rest of the night with me and you didn’t want me to go. We just kept talking and talking and talking. You didn’t want me to go. You even gave me food to eat, even though it wasn’t mine in the first place.

Everything was so special back then. Everything was just simple and ordinary. I wonder who made the mistake of doing something that made all of this worst? Was it you because you can’t control how horny you were? Was it me because I made a big deal of everything? Was it you because you asked me to do things and I would no doubt do it? Was it me because I was too fragile and I overthink a lot? Or maybe it was both of us, because we both took advantage of each other?

Is it even still possible to be back to where we started? When we were just friends who talk to each other about academics and other things like how stupid I was with that other guys? When we were just casually eating dinner or lunch? When just a simple as a hi was not hard for me to do?

18 and a half years. I have already lived eighteen and almost a half years in this world and I still don’t know where do I really belong. I’m still confused on what do I really want. Am I in a rush? Am I wanting things to happen so quickly? Am I wanting more than I what I already have? I don’t know. What I know is that I can’t stay on one thing. I need new things as much as possible. I need more options in life. I need more. I need more…

April 14, 2017: It took me a long time to realize this

My parents raised me in such a traditional way. By this, I mean they wanted me to do things based on the social norms, the typical gender roles and such things. They would buy me Barbie and Hello Kitty branded stuff. They dressed me up as girly as I can be from skirts to boots.

Besides all those gender roles they gave me, they also raised me in such a way that we would follow what everyone was doing. Birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, outing with the family, fiestas around the barangay. All of those gatherings that what was then exciting for me became a thing that was forced for me to be on.

What a great life I have! Traditional na nga Katoliko paWala na bang ikacoconservative pa ‘tong magulang ko?

Well, let me answer that question first.

They’re so conservative to the point that my dad prefers long hair for my mom and I than a really short hair. I remember that moment when my mom decided to cut her hair “boy” short and my dad was acting weird like he didn’t like how it looked, like he didn’t liked my mom’s decision to cut her hair that short. I also remember how I would always suggest to cut my hair shoulder length that one summer because my hair was too long already and it was freaking hot and all my dad said was “Wag na lang.” Makes me want to color my hair so blonde or maybe some really bright colors like pastel pink.

They’re so conservative that being in a relationship is not “okay” with them. Whenever my relatives would ask me if I already have a boyfriend I always wanted to answer “Wala pa eh. Wala pang oras para dun.” (None. I don’t have time for that.) But surprise surprise, they would always butt in and say this instead: “Wala pa. Bawal pa.” (None. She’s not allowed to.) The difference is so clear. So clear I’m thinking of keeping a secret boyfriend instead.

They’re so conservative that they still laugh at “bakla’s” and “tomboy’s.” I’m like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I honestly experienced laughing at such persons because hello, my parents were doing it, so it isn’t wrong obviously? But with what I have learned from the world already. They shouldn’t do that. Nope. Never. No fucking way. Made me think like what if, hypothetically, I come out as bisexual, how would they react?

So, what is my point here? My point is this: Maybe they got used to controlling my decisions–like the way they raised me, the environment I grew up in, and the things they taught me–that when the time comes that I wanted to make a decision for myself they would feel like there’s something wrong… well not with them, but with me.

Having such religious parents is hard especially when I’m in that phase where I’m still finding myself and looking for the right path. You know, teenage angst. Recently, I acted a little weird during mass and after mass. I didn’t take communion. I refused to go in the church. I rejected my parent’s offer to take confession.

That’s where everything I said comes in. All I can think of right now is maybe they’re judging me already the way they would judge “bakla’s” and “tomboy’s.” They’re probably thinking that I’m starting to lose my shit that I’m slowly walking away from being a Catholic. (Well not, ‘cause obviously I still go to mass every Sunday because it’s been a fucking routine and I can’t get it out of my system.) They’re probably thinking that they need to do something because I’m in the evil side of things now.

I hope they’re not thinking that because they’re wrong.

I’m just looking for myself right now. Trying things because maybe some things will finally make sense to me. All I need right now is their understanding and not them being in control of my life and my decisions. What’s bad with going the other way and not the traditional way? What’s wrong with finally I’m doing something for myself?

Because the least that I need right now is my parents being so controlling. Making me do things I don’t want to do. Because that will just trigger me. Could probably trigger my depression or my suicidal thoughts again or worse to walk out of their lives.

Too Much is Too Much

Remember how you would always appreciate the love you receive from your friends and family? The way they acknowledge your presence? The way they always remember to care for you? The way they always make you sure that you know that they love you?

Remember how that made you feel?

It made you feel as if you’re the best person in the world. It made you feel as if nothing’s wrong with you. It made you feel as if no one will ever leave you behind. But at the end of the day you still long for the attention of someone who doesn’t even care for you.

Regardless of the countless number of people who remembers that you are worth it in their life, you still want the presence of someone who doesn’t even remember the small things about you the same way you remember his. That even though all other persons would tell you that they’ll always be there for you, you still want that certain person who doesn’t even take a minute to even glance at you. That person who makes you feel like you’re shittier and messier than you already are. That person who wouldn’t want to hang out with you but still talks to you in chat boxes and text messages. That person who you still want to be with but he doesn’t want anything but space.

It’s so ironic how we want someone that doesn’t want us back even though there are a lot of people who are there for us whenever we need them. It makes you think if you really appreciate the little things. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Why do we make ourselves suffer the pain of waiting to be appreciated by someone? Why are we letting ourselves be trash?

Because I know that I am so much better than this.

I am so much better than being ignored. I deserve the attention because I am a caring person. I appreciate other people and I deserve to be appreciated back. I think about people a lot, and that’s something important from a person who feels like they’re not worth it in anyone’s lives.

I’ll get through this, I guess. I hope so.

Stop and all the thoughts that occurred to me after you said that word

I still remember that day when you finally smiled back at me. I was wearing a plain white shirt paired with turquoise shorts. I was studying for my exams that day when you called my attention to borrow something and it’s as if everything was back to normal. As if nothing bad had happened between us. As if there’s nothing to worry about. You smiled back at me so innocently that I wanted to instantly smile back at you just so you would know that I appreciated that small act of kindness.

But I never really did.

Because I know that deep inside you’re still judging me. You’re judging me because of what you know about me—the worse kind of things. But what can I say? You knew me because of those things. Those were your first impressions of me besides being that innocent and shy girl you see in class, someone who doesn’t know the answer to the question our professor asked her.

One day you told me to stop whatever we were doing with ourselves. I don’t know exactly why, but you did. Right back then, I swore I was nervous. I was nervous of the days after that day. Will I be able to talk to you again? Will I be able to reach out to you again? Will I still be able to consider you as a friend?

Because just so you know, I’m really afraid of losing people. I’m afraid of letting people go. I’m afraid of setting them free.

But, you know, at the same time I’m also afraid of keeping them. I’m afraid that they might get scared of my attitude. I’m afraid that they won’t show up after a while because I gave them a reason to go away.

Maybe that’s what happened the first time you told me to stop whatever we were doing. I got overwhelmed with you presence. I got too relaxed and comfortable with you that I never really thought through my actions towards you. I got no control of myself that all I ever thought about was my feelings and I never really considered yours.

But surprise, you came running back. You came back and told me all the shit about me. You told me that I was a sad teenager and that’s not a good thing. You told me that I need a boyfriend even though I keep saying “No, I don’t need a boyfriend or anyone in particular.” There was also a time when you told me why I am depressed, that I am crazy, that I need to stop blaming all to myself.

And I thought it was making me good. Well, it was making me feel worse and great at the same time. Because you also came back and gave us the permission to do it all again. You told me that you trust me again. And that was it, sealed with a kiss.

A kiss of death.

Nobody warned me enough that this life will be hard. That this kind of lifestyle will need a lot of understanding and patience. That it requires a whole lot of the “I don’t care” attitude towards everything. Nobody warned me that I will learn how to hide the pain and shame as I keep on going in this lifestyle.

All I wanted was to be appreciated. All I wanted was to feel like I was important. All I wanted was the attention and satisfaction.

And I thought I got all of that after that moment that you kissed me. I thought you came running back because I can give it all to you. I thought you were looking for me because all you can ever think about was me. You even told me that you consider me as your best friend. You even held me and kept me in your arms as if you needed me so badly.

It all turned out to be such fake imitation of what you really think of me.

Because the second time you told me that we need to stop whatever we were doing, you told me that what you need is just a friend. But not a friend who keeps on talking to you all the time, who I can ask if we can go to dinner or go for drinks, basically not a best friend, but a friend who gives you space and will not really talk to you that much because we might become a hot issue or who will not ever ask you to hangout ever again.

And now, I’m sorry, but I hate myself.

I hate myself for believing whatever I thought you meant that day you kissed my lips again. I hate myself for thinking you really cared about me when in fact all you really cared about is you and whatever is good to you. I hate myself for thinking that you’ll like me enough because I can give you what you want.

I hate myself for not ending this sooner. Everything becomes bad when it comes to you. I hate it because I even did things I never thought I’d do to someone who just doesn’t care about me. You’re the trigger to my depression right now and all I want to do is not get a taste of you anymore.

But I’m scared, once again. I’m scared that if I start ghosting you, you’ll forget about me. You’ll not remember that I’m still here, your “friend.” I’m just really scared of losing another person in my life who really knows me. I’m done with people leaving me behind with all the memories they made with me and it’s as if I’m the only who cherish them.

Help?

Here I am and I don’t know what to do anymore because of all the feelings I am trying to hide inside. It’s as if everything that is wrong with me and my life is piling up one by one and I was not aware of it and now here I am, trying to fix it when it’s already a mess.

So here I am, asking for your help.

Please understand whenever I am not enthusiastic enough to do anything. It may be because I was already energetic hours or days before that moment. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you or be with you because trust me, I want to spend every moment with the people I care about the most.

Please understand that sometimes I don’t want any help. Or maybe always. I don’t know. Maybe because I just really don’t want anyone’s help at the moment. I’m really sorry if ever you’re really happy and I’m just there, not saying a word. I just really don’t want to do anything.

Please understand the fact that I want to make myself busy…for distractions. Remember those days where you would ask me out and all I can say is that I am busy with school works. It is true, I am busy. Busy distracting myself, making my mind think about other things besides being sad. Because I know that when I am about to socialize with people I would not be able to control my emotions and my mind would unconsciously fly somewhere I don’t really want to be in.

Please understand.

I am sad. I am not happy. Sometimes, I feel that I am happy. I just feel sad right now and I don’t know why. I am sad whenever I’m too tired to do anything. I am sad whenever I fake a smile and I would let out a small giggle. I am sad whenever I’m too quiet. I am sad and I don’t know why I am.

So please, understand.