I feel so fragile and vulnerable. I feel so weak and hopeless. I feel so many things all at once and as if I can finally see things so clearly. I feel like I’m starting all over again.
Before I met you, I talked myself off that this will be nothing. Just plain friendship and a little of those butterflies because nothing hurts a bit of making myself happy. Before I met you, I was this brave girl. Brave enough to take all risks. Brave enough to not follow the rules. Brave enough to go the distance. Before I met you, there was nothing wrong with me. I was just a little sad but that was normal of me. I was just a little girl still finding her place in this big world. Before I met you, feelings and emotions were something I was not afraid of.
But then I met you. I met you and you were spectacular. You amazed me in such a way that every time that I look at you, you were this guy that is so hard to catch. You were like that hot guy in a high school teen movie and I was that girl who just hangs out and is someone who blends with the crowd and is just there staring at you every once in a while in a class where we belong together.
Then you talked to me and it made my world shake. It was like everything became upside down. It felt like an alternate universe. Because it was, well, you. A guy I actually like talks to me and wants me to talk to him. It was just like a dream. But then you held me and that was the time I was sure that it was not a dream. You took me to dinner. You held my hand. You made me feel safe. I was in your arms. I was everywhere. I was exploring every part of you and you were exploring every part of me. You told me things no one has ever told me. You made me feel things.
And that was when I started becoming afraid of feeling.
I was living the moment. I was just going with the flow. I was just being that girl that you knew from the very start. But you just—nothing.
You became nothing.
You were nowhere to be found. You disappeared. You were ghosting.
But I told myself not to cry. I was not to cry. Because I was feeling nothing…but the fact that you disappointed me. You told me that you will protect me. You told me that you will be there for me. You told me that.
And then, where are you now?
Here I am, crying over you. Crying over those moments. Crying over not talking to you. Crying over losing you. Crying over myself for being so dumb. And crying like this makes me feel like a stupid person. A stupid person who already knows that this will happen but is still hoping for something because I can still see hope for whatever we were up to.
You’re just a boy. You’re just something that makes me happy. You’re just something that makes me feel like I matter. But maybe that is what I need. Or maybe not now that I am convinced that you honestly don’t care about me anymore.
And now I’m in the starting line again. Starting this building myself up all over again because I was destroyed. That wall I built was taken down just because I cried over a boy, again. Never again. (Hopefully.)