Bawat Gabi

May mga piling gabi kung saan tayo ay nagtatagpo sa dilim—planado man o biglang napag desisyunan. Kung iisipin ng iba ito ay mga gabi kung saan tayo’y naghahanap ng makakasama, mga gabi na tayo ay magisa, mga gabi na ang hanap natin ay isa’t isa. Pero sila’y nagkakamali dahil itong mga gabi, kung saan ika’y aking katabi, ay mga gabi na hanap ay ang katawan ng isa’t isa. Ito ay yung mga gabi na wala na tayong pakielam sa sasabihin ng iba. Ito’y mga gabi na pinairial natin ang uhaw ng isa’t isa.

Ang unang mga gabi ay punong-puno ng pagdududa. Hindi natin alam kung ang atin bang ginagawa ay mali o may unting pagkakatama. Tayo ay natatakot sa posibleng sinasabi ng iba pero alam natin sa sarili natin na hindi ito ang katotohanan. Ikaw ay tila ba nabababagabag tuwing nangyayari eto gabi-gabi. Ako, eto, ginagawa lamang ang mga ito dahil ayaw na ata kita pakawalan pa.

Habang tumatagal ay nagiging kumportable na tayo sa isa’t isa. Galawan natin ay hindi na limitado, pagkikita natin ay nangyayari tuwing linggo-linggo. Tayo ay tila ba magkasintahan lamang tuwing tayo ay nagkikita sa mga gabing katulad nito, pero alam natin ang katotohanan, na iyon lamang ay isang mapaglarong biro. Pero ang ating pagsasama ay hindi ganun ganun lamang. Ang ating pagsasama ay para bang isang laro ng buhay kung saan tayo ay bida.

Sana lamang ay dumating ang isang gabi, na ika’y mapapatingin sa akin at maaalala mong hindi nga pala tayo isang laruan lamang. Tayo ay mga tao na merong nararamdaman. Tayo ay mga taong hindi basta basta ang nararamdaman. Tayo ay mga tao. Tayo ay mga tao at kailangan natin ang isa’t isa. Ikaw, kailangan kita.

Too Much is Too Much

Remember how you would always appreciate the love you receive from your friends and family? The way they acknowledge your presence? The way they always remember to care for you? The way they always make you sure that you know that they love you?

Remember how that made you feel?

It made you feel as if you’re the best person in the world. It made you feel as if nothing’s wrong with you. It made you feel as if no one will ever leave you behind. But at the end of the day you still long for the attention of someone who doesn’t even care for you.

Regardless of the countless number of people who remembers that you are worth it in their life, you still want the presence of someone who doesn’t even remember the small things about you the same way you remember his. That even though all other persons would tell you that they’ll always be there for you, you still want that certain person who doesn’t even take a minute to even glance at you. That person who makes you feel like you’re shittier and messier than you already are. That person who wouldn’t want to hang out with you but still talks to you in chat boxes and text messages. That person who you still want to be with but he doesn’t want anything but space.

It’s so ironic how we want someone that doesn’t want us back even though there are a lot of people who are there for us whenever we need them. It makes you think if you really appreciate the little things. Why do we always want what we can’t have? Why do we make ourselves suffer the pain of waiting to be appreciated by someone? Why are we letting ourselves be trash?

Because I know that I am so much better than this.

I am so much better than being ignored. I deserve the attention because I am a caring person. I appreciate other people and I deserve to be appreciated back. I think about people a lot, and that’s something important from a person who feels like they’re not worth it in anyone’s lives.

I’ll get through this, I guess. I hope so.

To The Girl Who Doesn’t Know What To Do Anymore

I know that you’re thinking about a lot of things lately. A lot of things that has been in your mind since day one. A lot of things that has been making you crazier each and every day. A lot of things that has destroyed a lot of moments. I know that you’re too busy thinking about things that making yourself happy isn’t even your priority anymore.

You’re that girl who’s easily distracted. So distracted you don’t even know where to begin. You can’t even put into words what you’re feeling. Everything is right in front of you that you don’t even know how to control things like your feelings and actions. Or even how your feelings would affect your actions. It’s all a blur. It’s like you can’t even concentrate on one thing and you need to do other things while doing a thing.

You’re that girl who keeps on asking questions. Questions that has an obvious answer but you’re so anxious that you needed to repeat that question just to be sure that you’re thinking about the same thing. I mean, you’re just making sure of things right? Yet people think you’re not listening enough. That you’re thinking too much. But…maybe they’re right.

You’re that girl who expects a lot from people. Because you’re not that person who initiates a lot, so you expect the people around you to do the thing you’re not good at: approaching. You’re thinking too much that you complicate an “easy” situation, as they may say. And so you expect from them, but sometimes get disappointed for they won’t live up to your expectations all the time.

You’re that girl who isn’t brave enough to be impulsive. A friend of mine once told me to that I should try to be impulsive because it helps especially when you don’t even know how and what to decide. You get jealous of other people because of what they’re experiencing because they’re not afraid of taking risks.

You’re that girl who chooses to stay quiet instead of speaking out. I know it takes a lot of guts just to speak to other people, what more when you’re about to tell them your stand on something that you’re not even sure about because you’re not that kind of person who’s socially aware of things. So you stay quiet. And all your thoughts get all bulked up in your head that any time now it might explode.

Funny how all of these is happening to me right now. This is just me nagging myself. Telling myself all these real shit that’s going on about me because I’m so confused right now. I can’t focus. I’m becoming so indecisive. I’m scared. I get nervous a lot. Maybe it’s just another episode? Yes, it may be. But right now all I can think of is what the fuck.

What It Feels Like Crying Over a Boy after a Long Time of Not

I feel so fragile and vulnerable. I feel so weak and hopeless. I feel so many things all at once and as if I can finally see things so clearly. I feel like I’m starting all over again.

Before I met you, I talked myself off that this will be nothing. Just plain friendship and a little of those butterflies because nothing hurts a bit of making myself happy. Before I met you, I was this brave girl. Brave enough to take all risks. Brave enough to not follow the rules. Brave enough to go the distance. Before I met you, there was nothing wrong with me. I was just a little sad but that was normal of me. I was just a little girl still finding her place in this big world. Before I met you, feelings and emotions were something I was not afraid of.

But then I met you. I met you and you were spectacular. You amazed me in such a way that every time that I look at you, you were this guy that is so hard to catch. You were like that hot guy in a high school teen movie and I was that girl who just hangs out and is someone who blends with the crowd and is just there staring at you every once in a while in a class where we belong together.

Then you talked to me and it made my world shake. It was like everything became upside down. It felt like an alternate universe. Because it was, well, you. A guy I actually like talks to me and wants me to talk to him. It was just like a dream. But then you held me and that was the time I was sure that it was not a dream. You took me to dinner. You held my hand. You made me feel safe. I was in your arms. I was everywhere. I was exploring every part of you and you were exploring every part of me. You told me things no one has ever told me. You made me feel things.

And that was when I started becoming afraid of feeling.

I was living the moment. I was just going with the flow. I was just being that girl that you knew from the very start. But you just—nothing.

You became nothing.

You were nowhere to be found. You disappeared. You were ghosting.

But I told myself not to cry. I was not to cry. Because I was feeling nothing…but the fact that you disappointed me. You told me that you will protect me. You told me that you will be there for me. You told me that.

And then, where are you now?

Here I am, crying over you. Crying over those moments. Crying over not talking to you. Crying over losing you. Crying over myself for being so dumb. And crying like this makes me feel like a stupid person. A stupid person who already knows that this will happen but is still hoping for something because I can still see hope for whatever we were up to.

You’re just a boy. You’re just something that makes me happy. You’re just something that makes me feel like I matter. But maybe that is what I need. Or maybe not now that I am convinced that you honestly don’t care about me anymore.

And now I’m in the starting line again. Starting this building myself up all over again because I was destroyed. That wall I built was taken down just because I cried over a boy, again. Never again. (Hopefully.)

3 x You

The first time I saw you, it was bright. The sun was rooting for you like it was telling me that you will bring light to my life. Everything was hot and so thrilling.

The second time I saw you it was mild and normal. You were just there in a simple room with an ambiance too familiar I didn’t bother anymore because I’m already used to it.

The third time I saw you it was as dark as the room where we did each other. I never saw your face. Just those big brown eyes, looking at me like you can see me despite the darkness.

Three times.

I saw you three times and I’m still undecided.

Undecided on who makes my heart beat the most.

The first time I saw you, I greeted you with a smile. And the only thing I saw in that moment was you. Everything became all about you. Just you. For a long time, I was staring at you and waiting for you.

The second time I saw you, I just looked at you. Funny how it felt like I was supposed to know you when really, I don’t even know your name. And I just kept looking at you unless you look back at me, I would obviously look away.

The third time I saw you, I felt vulnerable. I laid myself out to you. I was looking at your eyes, trying to understand what you really wanted from me.

Three times.

I saw you three times and I’m still undecided.

Undecided on whether what I was feeling was ever true.

The first time I saw you, you were distant at first but then after weeks of talking, we got closer. And closer and closer and closer. But it was like a thunderstorm went through and destroyed whatever we built. Now you’re nowhere to be seen.

The second time I saw you, I really didn’t know you. But after weeks of being in the same room together with people we both know, I finally knew your name. And now we talk to each other through our eyes and smiles.

The third time I saw you, we were close, too close. Your touch lingered on every inch of my body. That look in your eyes lingered even after we did it. That look in your eyes that made me feel like I was appreciated despite how dirty we looked.

Three times—no, three persons.

I didn’t saw you three times, you were three different persons.

Undecided on who I will continue to see.

What Might Happen, What Really Happened, What I Wish Will Happen

It happened like this:

I was walking towards an auditorium full of empty chairs, hoping you’re there, silently waiting for me. As I continue walking, I repeat a chant to myself, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Everything will stay the same.” I don’t even know if I was just encouraging myself though positive thinking or just making myself sadder because of the fact that there’s a big possibility that I’m just fooling myself. Making myself believe that everything will be fine when in the first place everything’s been destroyed already.

Then there you were. Standing as if you feel nothing. Standing as if you got nothing to say to me. Standing as if you’re not mad at me.

I looked at you and it’s as if time slowed down for us. You were looking at me with those big brown eyes. Your hair was black and down—the kind of hair I’ve always liked. Your hands were going through your hair as if you’re nervous of something, and that’s when I felt scared. Because you looked like as if you’re ready to face a battle but scared to face your enemy.

Am I the enemy?

Are we the battle?

Don’t you want to fight for us?

These thoughts were running through my head. Thoughts that want to be answered. Thoughts that you don’t want to leave behind or else my mind will be screwed. Then that’s when I’m suddenly right in front of you, saying hi and asking how are you.

You said you were fine and that you’re tired. And that’s when I noticed you never laid your eyes on me ever again. Since that day I told you that. And I remembered how we usually lock our eyes because we understand each other and that we told ourselves that we will be there for each other.

And now as if, you left me behind just because of that.

I asked why.

All you said was, “Never.”

You turned your back to me and never said a word again. All the things I wanted to say—gone. All the words I want you to hear—gone. All the effort we made for each other—gone.

If you could just hear me out, I would’ve told you to not be scared to take a risk for me. Don’t hold back. Don’t be scared of what might happen. Just seize these kind of moments. But I know you won’t understand anything. I know that you’ll stand to what you believe in until the end. Because you’re not that kind of person who just gives up, you’re someone who has a strong faith to what you want to say.

That’s why I’m giving you up after you gave up on me.

That’s why I’m leaving these feelings on the trash after you threw them all away.

That’s why the friendship that we had is all gone.

I guess it’s all up to us now whether we will make this a big deal or not. Whether this will really change something about our relationship or not.

But one thing’s for sure, I learned to never say I like you to someone you’re really close with, ever again.

I Won’t Be Closing My Door Unless You Tell Me To

We’re unofficial. We’re not even a thing. We’re nothing. We’re just friends. But we both know that there’s so much more than the friendship between us. After all those late night texts, deep conversations, and the openness to the vulnerability of the other. We understand each other as if we already know what goes on through each other’s mind all the time.

I’ve not been dealing with such relationships for four years already. I’ve not been open about my feelings to anyone since then because I’ve been hurt so bad. I’ve not been telling the people I like that I like them because I’m scared.

But with you, you make me want to take this risk. Although it seems like you’re not yet in it with me. And I understand that.

I am willing to wait for you but unless you tell me that I have something to wait for, I won’t be closing my door for new feelings.

Unless you tell me that you’ll be there for me even though we’re not actually “in a relationship,” I’ll be leaving my door open for new relationships. I will be ready to meet new people. I will be there to get to know them.

When you finally assure me that you’ll stay and won’t leave me hanging, that’s when I’ll close the door. That’s when I’ll give my all to you. Because that’s when I know that my waiting will be worth it.

I know I like you. I feel that you like me too. But not unless you tell me that you like me back. I won’t be closing my heart for anyone. My heart will still be open for anybody. I will be open for anyone who wants to get to know me and I will be open to get to know them.

So yeah, this is me pressuring you to tell me now whether you do like me back or you don’t. It’s simple as that. Please.