Needed a new environment to be able to learn to appreciate

I started this semester with a lot in my head. I was running after a boy who didn’t like me back, I was thinking if I will continue my dancing, and I was depressed. Add it up with the fact that all of my subjects consists of majors except for one. It was too stressing for me, I guess I got overwhelmed. There was so much to think about that in the end I needed to sacrifice one. It was dancing. I chose to stop for one semester because of the academic load that overwhelmed me and the fact that dancing or the group was the main cause of my stress and depression from last semester.

Since I didn’t had training for four hours, I was able to enjoy my college night life. Finally. For the first few weeks, I would always be out drinking with my friends. Alcohol was my friend. I also found a new friend, cigarettes. Yosi, pare. Told myself I would just take them whenever I’m drinking but guess who made it a habit to at least have one every day? Slightly regretting it because of my dancing but also not because it definitely soothes my stressful days.

I also definitely met a whole lot of new people. From the inumans to my classes, my socializing game definitely went up from an average. There were still shy moments (I can never take it out of my system) but I still got to communicate with these people. I got to hang out with other people too. And because of this, this semester also opened me to different kinds of people and I got to understand and accept them.

But when it got to the middle of the semester, the hype of my life went from its highest to the lowest. Suddenly people were not talking to me anymore—those new people. Suddenly I would go back to my apartment too early that my body won’t sleep unless it went outside at least. Suddenly all those new friends and new experiences were stuck in that phase of my life, it’s like I didn’t bring them while I kept on living my life. It was like life just made me taste it.

I also got a little serious when it comes to my academics. I would study two nights before, sometimes. I’m also focused enough to remember stuff. I can also say that I passed all my subjects this semester and it was fulfilling considering my GWA from last semester. This was definitely an improvement. Hope this continues even when I come back to dancing. Which lead me to my next point.

This semester I also realized how deeply in love I already am with the group and dancing. Whenever I can, I would always give time to them at least. I would get news from them. Which made me want to go back, and now here I am. I ended the semester as the new elected finance committee head of the group. I ended the semester kind of satisfied with my academics. I ended the semester happy and okay. I needed this semester, free from anything.

Here’s to another successful semester with new knowledge and experiences!

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Akala ko ba bakasyon na ako?

‘Di ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit naiinis ako ngayon.

Pero eto ang sigurado ako. ‘Di ako naiinis dahil nalaman kong finalist pala ako sa isang major subject ko dahil medyo naramdaman ko na yun pagkatapos palang nung pangatlong pagsusulit namin. ‘Di ko rin alam kung sapat bang rason na mainis ako dahil parang walang may pake sa pagiging finalist ko sa subject na ito. Dahil pagkatapos kong sabihin sa mga taong malapit sakin ay tila wala man lang silang sense of care or pagaalala sakin. Mas lalo akong nasaktan nung sinabi ko ito sa papa ko. Bakit ang una niyang tanong sakin ay “Bakit?” Bakit daw nagkaganon? Bakit ganun ang nangyari? Para bang pinaparating niya na may mali akong ginawa kaya kailangan ko pang maghabol ng grado. Ang totoo naman kasi ay di ko rin alam. Di ko rin aakalain na aabot ako hanggang sa finals dahil alam kong ginawa ko ang best ko sa subject na ito. Ngunit mukhang minaliit ko ata masyado, ayon binawian ako.

Dahil din ata sa pangyayaring eto ay na-validate ko yung paniniwala ko na walang nakakaalala sakin o walang may pake sakin. Natatawa ako, dinidibdib ko ata masyado yung di pag-contact sakin ng aming instructor para man lang maabisuhan kami na kami pala ay mag-fafinalsAng dating kasi sakin ay para bang ‘di ako karapatdapat na makaalam nun. Parang wala silang pake sakin kung ipapasa ko ba ito o hindi. Meron pa bang may pake sakin?

Sana lang ay pagdating ng Lunes ay maging handa ako. Sana kinabukasan tanggap ko na na finalist ako, na hindi ako nasabihan agad, o na hindi ko man lang chineck. Sana matapos ko ‘tong sem ko na ‘to nang matiwasay at walang pagsisisi.

When change is more consistent than you

I don’t know why but it’s always during this time of the semester–almost at the end, people are becoming busy, and at the same time you have nothing else to do to make you look like you’re busy–that things start to change. I mean by this time, you realize things aren’t the same as they were during the start of the semester.

Just like when this semester was just starting, I was always out. You would always find me with my friends out during the night, probably drinking or just out late at night talking to each other. Then when first exams were just approaching, you would see me with new people. And I find it really hard adjusting to new people, especially when you’re also supposed to get to know a huge number of people. It really took all my energy when I was in that phase of this semester. Ugh, too much exposure to new people just drains the shit out of me. Because by then, I was already spending late nights with them and not with my friends. And these are new people and I’m just the type of person who hates meeting new people because I tend to go with the flow regardless how I hate their character just because we’re not close enough for me to even say that to them.

Then as weeks pass by and it’s as if all of us have used up all our energy, no one asks out for dinner. No one would randomly message you and just talk to you. No one suddenly wants to hang out with you. It’s as if all of the new people I’ve met suddenly forgot about me and I don’t even know why. And that’s why I’m sad about this. It’s because I don’t even know how things became like this and I also don’t know if it’s because of the natural way of the world or it’s just because I wasn’t aware of anything–because of me.

Why is it always like this? Why is it when I was already used to their presence, when I was already well-adjusted, and when I was already face to whatever they want to tell me, that’s when they start to walk away? Walking away is probably not the right term but that’s how I felt. Makes me feel like all my efforts are just nothing. It’s like I’ve wasted time getting to know them, making them like me because I want to get to know them more. In fact, with this action that they’re showing me, they’re giving more than what I’ve already got by just observing them. So much for giving everything.

You know what I got from this? That I don’t want to meet new people. Meeting new people are tiring and just a waste of time and effort. That I don’t want to put effort on anyone anymore. I don’t want to waste any of my anything for another person because I feel like I won’t get it back.

But I know these are all lies. I know that meeting new people is still something to look forward to when you’re with friends, when you’re at an event, or even when you’re just scrolling through social media. Because new people give us new experiences and new experiences give us new lessons in life and that’s a good thing.

Three Weeks In

It’s only been three weeks since this new semester started and I’ve already done so much impulsive things that I’ve been rethinking who I am and where do I really fit in.

This semester, I needed to sacrifice that one thing that I really love to do because I had a goal for myself. I want to find myself again and to focus on my academics this semester. I want to broaden my social circle, to meet new people, and to meet myself again. I needed to sacrifice time with the people I fell in love first. I needed to sacrifice the chance of improving myself. I needed to sacrifice that one thing that made me me. But it’s for something good. I know the consequences it could bring to me and my self-esteem but I know that I made the right decisions this time. I made the right decision to focus on myself first—the emotional and mental side of me.

One thing is for sure, I already met a lot of new people. And by a lot I mean a lot.

But I get tired easily. I get tired just thinking that I need to talk to them, that I need to socialize with them, or that I need to listen to them. All of my energy gets sucked up and just right after socializing with them, I get tired. Like really really tired.

For the first three weeks, I also needed to learn how to be independent. From the moving on from someone who has been giving me attention and now wants to cool off to the fact that my best friend will be spending less time here in the campus, it’s complicated to stand up by myself and make my own decisions but I needed to, or else I’ll just get fragile and hurt and I don’t want that to happen.

It’s only been three weeks and so many things has happened already. What more does this semester has me for me besides the ton of paper works and group reports that I need to do for my subjects?

Roller Semester Coaster

My fifth semester in college has finally ended. Finally.

It all started a bit dull and stressful at the same time. Everything was still not in place. My units were still incomplete. I already had two performances during the first day of classes. I was already tired, it was just the first week of the semester. Right then and there, I expected that this semester will be tiring. But I was not completely right, this semester brought my social being to a whole new level. I’m even surprised that an introvert like me would end up in a strangers bed a whole of times. I could consider this semester the phase of our lives wherein I am finally getting to know myself more, I am finally slowly going outside the box, I am finally letting other people know who I truly am.

Let me start off with my academics. The main reason why I am even in college in the first place. Unfortunately, I had let myself down. I couldn’t even remember an exam I passed during the first half of the semester. Everything was so stressful and tiring I can’t even have time to study for my subjects and it sucks. Because all I ever wanted was to study and to make everything right because everything was going on the wrong places and I hate it. Gladly, I was able to pull those scores up during the latter part of the semester. The latter part where activities were minimal and everyone was tired as well.

Groups in classes are also memorable this semester. I’ve met a lot of great people. Some of them may be too hard to handle but I was still able to control myself because that’s just how I am. (LOL) My groups in the lab and groups in group projects, they’re just one great thing and has helped me go through this semester smoothly.

Good news is most of my subjects are in good standing and I feel like I’m going to pass them but there’s one subject that I am in danger of. I don’t even know what to expect from it. I’m so tired of it and I just want to quit already. (Maybe I’ll just retake it if I ever fail it. Sighs.)

Next thing is my dancing. Dancing. Dancing. SJ. Dancing.

Everything about this semester has been for dancing and for the group. Most of my time has been dedicated for the group. Most of the people I spent time with is in this group. Most of the things I thought about is because of the issues and problems of the group. And I don’t regret any of it. Even though during the course of the semester I’ve thought about quitting and just leaving it all behind, I still stayed because I loved what I was doing.

I was part of more than ten performances. I performed in front of a lot of people. I performed with the the best people that I know and will forever love. And it all is memorable even though the trainings and preparations and emotions were tough. I can still remember the fun I had…and the emotions that spurred and made me love the group more and made me stay.

Anyway, another highlight of this semester is the new apartment. New apartment means new people. New experiences. New things to try. And a chance to finally do something that no one from my past will judge me.

Guess what? I did what I thought I will never do (but I know I always wanted to do) because of what the people from my past taught me. Hehe. :)

I wanted to write about a significant person I met this semester. But he’s too toxic for me and this post is just too nostalgic and beautiful, I don’t want to ruin it. Let me just say that he gave me too much to remember and gave way to another being who is much more greater than he is and I am thankful.

Let me just take this opportunity to be grateful of the people who believed in me and did not gave up on me. Even though I’ve been really selfish and don’t even listen to most of their advices, they’re still here. Despite how I badly need attention and someone to talk to, they still stick up to me and listen to what I need to say. One thing I needed this semester is those kind of people.

This semester is a literal roller coaster ride. One moment I was in the high, the next thing I knew I’m suddenly thinking about dying and wanting to end my life. Funny how I never get used to it. Maybe all I want is to finally be eternally happy. Somehow I want some consistency in my life. Nevertheless, this semester also gave me so many challenges and I’ve faced them. I am proud to say that I have survived.

And now is the start of my break. It’s time for a marathon of series, movies, books, and writing. And hopefully, more time to get to know people.

Passion Talk

Just like every dreamer, I also dream big. And it gets bigger and bigger as I slowly accomplish every single goal I had. I sometimes get tired but fuck it, I want to dream.

Yesterday was another one of those this-will-settle-my-future kind of days. Sobrang nakaka-pressure, as a dancer. Yung gusto mong mag-excel in every possible way. Yung gusto mo mapatunayan that you improved despite being in vacation for two months, kasi shit lang nawala lahat yung conditioning dahil sa pag-binge watch ng mga series at pag-kain kapag hindi ka nag-bibinge watch ng isang series. Pero wala naman kasing masarap mangarap, diba?

I tried to be positive kasi yun talaga gusto ko. I didn’t want my negative side to take me when these kind of days come, kasi baka kainin lang ako ng mga thoughts na yun.

Sobrang helpful yung presence ng mga kapwa kong dancer. Akala ko kasi talaga tinatamad na ako sumayaw kahit sobrang mahal na mahal kong sumayaw just because akala ko no one appreciates me. But these people helped me in some way and I’m thankful for them. Bonus na lang yung andun din yung crush ko so, hehehehehe. (Landi.)

And then that moment came.

Just like any other moments like that, para bang dumaan lang. Para bang nawala ako sa sarili (lol maybe this caused those missed steps I did *cry*). Parang sobrang bilis nung nangyari I can’t remember a thing. ‘Di ko maalala kung ano bang pinag-gagawa ko–tama ba yung steps? Shet, maayos ba yung facials ko? Those kind of questions.

Pero just like any other days like this, afterwards ako kinain ng negative thoughts ko. I was like, shit, I did something wrong. Minus yun. Shit, ang kalat ko ata. Puta, minus nanaman. No, I don’t want to be stuck in my current position. Those kinds of things.

But I love dancing as much as I love him. Charot.

I love dancing. But I don’t know if the results of this will affect my perception to the said passion. Hopefully, not because dancing is my theraphy. ‘Di ko ata kakayanin kung nawala sa sistema ko yung training araw-araw. Yung pagod. Yung saya. Yung free ka gumalaw kahit madaming techincalities na kailangan matandaan.

New, new things, and I love them

Done with the second semester.

Finally got all my grades.And everything is okay.

I’m officially done with my second year in college.

My course is a four-year course. Half of it is done and hopefully, I only have two more years left. This year is a great turning point for me. Everything happened so fast. So many things changed. So many people were added up in my list of college people that should be remembered. This year was so much fun in spite of the subjects that I took, this year made me better. I got better.

This year I finally got the courage to pursue what I really love to do. There were so many organizations I could’ve joined that could’ve helped in my academics or basta those things that could help me with my social problems, pero I still chose joining SJDC. Di ko alam kung paano ko na encourage yung sarili ko na pumunta sa orientation nila mag-isa, na mag-audition mag-isa, at harapin ang lahat simula na ‘to mag-isa? Maybe because I really am destined to be there. Kinikilig ako kapag naalala ko yung mga texts na pasado daw ako sa auditions and all. Kinikilig talaga ako!

Of course, alongside that I got to mingle with so many different people. As in. My social skills were tested, I had to push myself to talk to people and understand people even though they’re kind of irritating.

All this happened during the first semester of my second year.

And that was the semester when I took Taxonomy again and I finally got our only Chemistry subject. Everything turned out well in the end. Except for the fact that I unfortunately got an INC in one GE subject because of my stupidity. Never again.

Second semester is better. So, so much better.

Basically everything about this semester is focused mainly on SJDC. I’ve been dancing so much. I got the chance to perform in campus. I became part of a company production. I got to know the other members more. I became close to a lot of the members. I spent a lot of time with them. I was opened to different issues.

I finally fell in love with the group, completely.

Everything was worth it–yung pagod, yung pawis, yung paguwi ng sobrang late, yung kulang kulang na tulog. The aftermath of the production was so fulfilling.

Sorry for bragging, but this semester is the only semester that I have no failing grade, I have no DRP nor INC. It is a perfect semester. Regardless of my 3.00, it’s still a great semester for me.

Also, boys? Hmm. I have this someone in mind. But I don’t know. But I’m pursuing. I see hope. Officially met him during the second semester and yeah. *insert a smiling emoticon, blushing*

It may seem that my world just revolved around SJDC and academics but nope. I also became more closer to my friends. We still find time so that we can spend time together. So that we can hangout.

My first year was my adjustment period. And now that I have adjusted, it became better. I got better. I really thought this wouldn’t happen. I thought I’ll stay a loner. I thought I’ll never find that someone that I could tell all the things that keeps me awake at night. I thought I’ll never be okay. Thank God, miracles happen.