When You Thought You’re Finally Doing Okay

I thought I was finally doing okay. I thought that I finally know how to be happy. I thought I was already done with my depressed state. But guess who’s going back to that pit hole of darkness again?

I definitely know what triggered it. But, of course just like before, I still don’t know why that was a trigger for me. Am I just petty? Am I just sensitive? Am I just selfish? I can’t help but think that I’m just being “maarte” even though no one’s telling me that I am…well because I don’t share these feelings to them. I can’t even tell these to my friends or my family because the thought that they’ve had so much of me already or that they have it worse keeps killing me.

Funny how just a week before this day, I was doing okay. I was finally dancing again. I was surrounded with people who I thought understands me and who I thought believes in me. I was dreaming of a really nice future ahead of me. I was planning things again because I wanted to do new things. I wanted to meet someone new.

And now everything just crumbled down just like that. Just because of one simple task I didn’t do. Just because I was feeling possessive and clingy. Just because, I was being me.

Now I’m back sulking on my bed while binge-watching a series all day. I don’t have any energy to do anything inside the house. I just keep on eating and sleeping. I would follow my feelings more instead of thinking if what I’m doing would be logical or not. I’m drowning in my emotions. Suddenly, I became a lot clingier, makes me push people away instead of making them stay which is what I really want. Suddenly I’m making more impulsive decisions. There’s too much emotions in my head right now which makes me want to cry all the time.

I’m back to this state. I thought I was done making myself cry all the time because of the feeling that I am worth nothing. I thought I was finally making good decisions for myself for choosing the right people to be with, the right person to spend time with, and the right path I’m supposed to go through. I thought I was making myself happy. I guess, I thought wrong.

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july ten twenty seventeen

It’s one of those days,

 

When you’re feeling like everything seems so wrong

Even the people around you

When you’re feeling like you don’t want to move

Even just listening to a conversation

 

I woke up

Already feeling that today’s going to be a tiring day

I did all what I planned to do

And still I feel like I haven’t done enough

 

Talking to him was the cherry on top of my day

He balanced everything just right

 

When I was feeling unsure of myself

He was there to make sure that I am not

When I was feeling affectionate

He was there to catch that feeling

 

I was required to move and feel the music

But I was not feeling the moment

I was supposed to think strategically

But I was just so lost at that moment

 

And now it’s almost 11pm,

 

I just finished eating chicken with herb-lemon cream sauce

I just finished drinking milk to make me fall asleep

I just finished a cigarette to calm my mind

I just finished taking a cold bath to wash off the toxicity of the day

 

Let me just say

That I fucking deserve a rest

It will not take the emptiness and sadness away

But at least I will forget it in some other way

EIGHTEENTH

I am convinced that my eighteenth year was full of things I would like to keep. The memories, the achievements, and the people in it. Everything is worth remembering. Even those moments that broke me apart. It’s worth it because I somehow gained something from it. All those new learnings in life, new perspectives, and new things to believe in.

So here’s a list of things I learned from my eighteenth year in this world and some concrete experiences that I would like to share:

  • Take a risk.

    Whether it’s that new opportunity for your passion or that new possible lover, take a risk to try it. Something new isn’t always bad. Sometimes it’s a way for your improvement in life. I remember feeling scared of taking a huge step of becoming one of the committee heads for the group but I know that I really want to be part of it. I want to try to be a leader since I’ve grown to be a follower instead. Because I know I am capable of it. And so I did and I will continue to improve myself.

  • Confidence is beautiful.

    It’s another thing when you talk about how make-up can make you really pretty, but during my eighteenth year I realized that being confident with yourself and what you are is much more beautiful. Regardless of how tired you look, when you’re confident with what you’re working on. It will work out. All those rushed training hours because of sudden performances, all those rushed projects because of limited time, and all those rushed reviews for an exam, when you’re confident that you will get through it and has exerted enough effort for it, you will finish it with no regrets (siguro, unti lang hehe).

  • Be true to yourself and to others.

    This year, I also realized that being that quiet one will not work out for the rest of your lives. Sometimes you really have to speak out. Tell others what you feel. Tell them what you firmly believe in regardless if it’s not what they want to hear. Tell the people who you love that you love them. Opinions are important in this world full of contradictions and hypocrites. Do whatever you want as long as that’s what you want. If it means calling that guy you hooked up with for a couple of weeks now just because you want another shot, then go for it. Don’t let the thought of them hating you control you. Be true.

  • It’s totally okay to take a rest.

    Especially when you’re feeling too tired the fire in you can’t even light up again. Recharge if you have to even if it means having to sacrifice something important in your life. It was a really hard decision for me to stop dancing for a while (for a semester) because I want to focus on my academics and because I really feel the need to. I remember feeling lost because I was not active and I was training for something but the rest helped me a lot. Now the fire and passion for dancing is back.

  • Open your horizons to new people.

    Don’t limit yourself to your best friends. Sometimes, you definitely need new kinds of people to talk to. You will learn a lot from them. It doesn’t matter how shy you are, some people are extrovert enough to carry a really nice conversation making you remember that person and making you want to be friends with them.

  • Remove the toxic people in your life as soon as you can.

    Don’t let them control your feelings and emotions. As soon as you feel like they’re not good for you, forget them. This is one thing I find hard to do but I know that I should. Forget about them even if it means totally ignoring them even if you pass by each other in a campus so little it’s as if every people you know knows each other as well.

  • Trust and give in only to a few people.

    Because some people will only take advantage of you and your vulnerability. Some people will only use you because you can give them what they want. Some people will forget about you the moment you give them something they can be proud of. Wow lang noh? Hindi ako pang ego booster lang. Gago.

  • Continue to love yourself and don’t forget to keep on empowering yourself and other people.

    Most important of them all—yourself. Take care of yourself, baby girl. By this I mean everything—your health, your emotions, and your relationships with people. Don’t ever forget the reason why you’re still here.

Needed a new environment to be able to learn to appreciate

I started this semester with a lot in my head. I was running after a boy who didn’t like me back, I was thinking if I will continue my dancing, and I was depressed. Add it up with the fact that all of my subjects consists of majors except for one. It was too stressing for me, I guess I got overwhelmed. There was so much to think about that in the end I needed to sacrifice one. It was dancing. I chose to stop for one semester because of the academic load that overwhelmed me and the fact that dancing or the group was the main cause of my stress and depression from last semester.

Since I didn’t had training for four hours, I was able to enjoy my college night life. Finally. For the first few weeks, I would always be out drinking with my friends. Alcohol was my friend. I also found a new friend, cigarettes. Yosi, pare. Told myself I would just take them whenever I’m drinking but guess who made it a habit to at least have one every day? Slightly regretting it because of my dancing but also not because it definitely soothes my stressful days.

I also definitely met a whole lot of new people. From the inumans to my classes, my socializing game definitely went up from an average. There were still shy moments (I can never take it out of my system) but I still got to communicate with these people. I got to hang out with other people too. And because of this, this semester also opened me to different kinds of people and I got to understand and accept them.

But when it got to the middle of the semester, the hype of my life went from its highest to the lowest. Suddenly people were not talking to me anymore—those new people. Suddenly I would go back to my apartment too early that my body won’t sleep unless it went outside at least. Suddenly all those new friends and new experiences were stuck in that phase of my life, it’s like I didn’t bring them while I kept on living my life. It was like life just made me taste it.

I also got a little serious when it comes to my academics. I would study two nights before, sometimes. I’m also focused enough to remember stuff. I can also say that I passed all my subjects this semester and it was fulfilling considering my GWA from last semester. This was definitely an improvement. Hope this continues even when I come back to dancing. Which lead me to my next point.

This semester I also realized how deeply in love I already am with the group and dancing. Whenever I can, I would always give time to them at least. I would get news from them. Which made me want to go back, and now here I am. I ended the semester as the new elected finance committee head of the group. I ended the semester kind of satisfied with my academics. I ended the semester happy and okay. I needed this semester, free from anything.

Here’s to another successful semester with new knowledge and experiences!

Akala ko ba bakasyon na ako?

‘Di ko lubos maintindihan kung bakit naiinis ako ngayon.

Pero eto ang sigurado ako. ‘Di ako naiinis dahil nalaman kong finalist pala ako sa isang major subject ko dahil medyo naramdaman ko na yun pagkatapos palang nung pangatlong pagsusulit namin. ‘Di ko rin alam kung sapat bang rason na mainis ako dahil parang walang may pake sa pagiging finalist ko sa subject na ito. Dahil pagkatapos kong sabihin sa mga taong malapit sakin ay tila wala man lang silang sense of care or pagaalala sakin. Mas lalo akong nasaktan nung sinabi ko ito sa papa ko. Bakit ang una niyang tanong sakin ay “Bakit?” Bakit daw nagkaganon? Bakit ganun ang nangyari? Para bang pinaparating niya na may mali akong ginawa kaya kailangan ko pang maghabol ng grado. Ang totoo naman kasi ay di ko rin alam. Di ko rin aakalain na aabot ako hanggang sa finals dahil alam kong ginawa ko ang best ko sa subject na ito. Ngunit mukhang minaliit ko ata masyado, ayon binawian ako.

Dahil din ata sa pangyayaring eto ay na-validate ko yung paniniwala ko na walang nakakaalala sakin o walang may pake sakin. Natatawa ako, dinidibdib ko ata masyado yung di pag-contact sakin ng aming instructor para man lang maabisuhan kami na kami pala ay mag-fafinalsAng dating kasi sakin ay para bang ‘di ako karapatdapat na makaalam nun. Parang wala silang pake sakin kung ipapasa ko ba ito o hindi. Meron pa bang may pake sakin?

Sana lang ay pagdating ng Lunes ay maging handa ako. Sana kinabukasan tanggap ko na na finalist ako, na hindi ako nasabihan agad, o na hindi ko man lang chineck. Sana matapos ko ‘tong sem ko na ‘to nang matiwasay at walang pagsisisi.

How Did I Get Here?

In that moment, I swear all I ever wanted was to get to know you. I wanted to know all of you. I wanted to know the reason why you wanted to see me. I wanted to know why you asked to meet me. I wanted to know why. I honestly didn’t expect anything but casual conversations with you. All I ever wanted from that moment was for you to ask questions about me and then I’ll also ask questions about you.

But for a little moment, I wanted to hold your hand while yours were close to mine. For a moment, I wanted to put my head on your shoulder while you were leaning too close to me. For quite a moment there, I wanted to kiss those lips—those lips telling me what I needed to know. But I just kept it all in my head. I kept it all in my head because I don’t even want anything from you.

Just a little distance from each other is what is keeping me from doing all those things.

But in this moment, you broke that distance. And suddenly you’re too close to me. Suddenly I can smell that boyish cologne, so distinct I think I won’t forget that smell for a long time. Suddenly your hands were intertwined with mine. It all happened so suddenly and I liked it for a bit but I know that I was already feeling how uncomfortable everything was.

In this moment, your hands were all over me. It went from my hair, then to my neck, all the way down to what you’re trying to touch ever since this touching started. Then you made me touch you. While you were holding my hand, you made me touch you. “This is not what I wanted” was all I can think of. I think it was your kisses. I think it was the kisses. The kisses that I’ve been longing from someone from a long time, the kisses that I’ve always wanted to have, the kisses that I haven’t received even if I deserve to.

You made me do things I didn’t even want to do. It all feels so wrong.