How Did I Get Here?

In that moment, I swear all I ever wanted was to get to know you. I wanted to know all of you. I wanted to know the reason why you wanted to see me. I wanted to know why you asked to meet me. I wanted to know why. I honestly didn’t expect anything but casual conversations with you. All I ever wanted from that moment was for you to ask questions about me and then I’ll also ask questions about you.

But for a little moment, I wanted to hold your hand while yours were close to mine. For a moment, I wanted to put my head on your shoulder while you were leaning too close to me. For quite a moment there, I wanted to kiss those lips—those lips telling me what I needed to know. But I just kept it all in my head. I kept it all in my head because I don’t even want anything from you.

Just a little distance from each other is what is keeping me from doing all those things.

But in this moment, you broke that distance. And suddenly you’re too close to me. Suddenly I can smell that boyish cologne, so distinct I think I won’t forget that smell for a long time. Suddenly your hands were intertwined with mine. It all happened so suddenly and I liked it for a bit but I know that I was already feeling how uncomfortable everything was.

In this moment, your hands were all over me. It went from my hair, then to my neck, all the way down to what you’re trying to touch ever since this touching started. Then you made me touch you. While you were holding my hand, you made me touch you. “This is not what I wanted” was all I can think of. I think it was your kisses. I think it was the kisses. The kisses that I’ve been longing from someone from a long time, the kisses that I’ve always wanted to have, the kisses that I haven’t received even if I deserve to.

You made me do things I didn’t even want to do. It all feels so wrong.

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