When you’re sick and sick of this set up

Today I wasn’t feeling too well. My body was weak. I felt cold. My mind was aching. I couldn’t help myself to get up and play with my dog. I wasn’t hungry enough to eat too much. I wanted to vomit everything I ate. All I could think of was how unlucky I was to be feeling this way during a mini-vacation.

But today I just lied down on my bed. And slept. And slept. And thought of you.

While I was trying to get myself to sleep during the middle of the day when the sun was up and it was very hot, I thought of you and how innocent everything was back then. I remembered that first night when you told me to sleep with you–beside you. And that was the moment we were both convinced that it’s all just nothing, we’re still just friends. We just cuddled and that was it.

I then remembered how you kissed me two days after that. That kiss, so rough, so hard, it made me feel like you really wanted me. Then it took me back to that moment in your apartment. When you just spent the rest of the night with me and you didn’t want me to go. We just kept talking and talking and talking. You didn’t want me to go. You even gave me food to eat, even though it wasn’t mine in the first place.

Everything was so special back then. Everything was just simple and ordinary. I wonder who made the mistake of doing something that made all of this worst? Was it you because you can’t control how horny you were? Was it me because I made a big deal of everything? Was it you because you asked me to do things and I would no doubt do it? Was it me because I was too fragile and I overthink a lot? Or maybe it was both of us, because we both took advantage of each other?

Is it even still possible to be back to where we started? When we were just friends who talk to each other about academics and other things like how stupid I was with that other guys? When we were just casually eating dinner or lunch? When just a simple as a hi was not hard for me to do?


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