April 14, 2017: It took me a long time to realize this

My parents raised me in such a traditional way. By this, I mean they wanted me to do things based on the social norms, the typical gender roles and such things. They would buy me Barbie and Hello Kitty branded stuff. They dressed me up as girly as I can be from skirts to boots.

Besides all those gender roles they gave me, they also raised me in such a way that we would follow what everyone was doing. Birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, outing with the family, fiestas around the barangay. All of those gatherings that what was then exciting for me became a thing that was forced for me to be on.

What a great life I have! Traditional na nga Katoliko paWala na bang ikacoconservative pa ‘tong magulang ko?

Well, let me answer that question first.

They’re so conservative to the point that my dad prefers long hair for my mom and I than a really short hair. I remember that moment when my mom decided to cut her hair “boy” short and my dad was acting weird like he didn’t like how it looked, like he didn’t liked my mom’s decision to cut her hair that short. I also remember how I would always suggest to cut my hair shoulder length that one summer because my hair was too long already and it was freaking hot and all my dad said was “Wag na lang.” Makes me want to color my hair so blonde or maybe some really bright colors like pastel pink.

They’re so conservative that being in a relationship is not “okay” with them. Whenever my relatives would ask me if I already have a boyfriend I always wanted to answer “Wala pa eh. Wala pang oras para dun.” (None. I don’t have time for that.) But surprise surprise, they would always butt in and say this instead: “Wala pa. Bawal pa.” (None. She’s not allowed to.) The difference is so clear. So clear I’m thinking of keeping a secret boyfriend instead.

They’re so conservative that they still laugh at “bakla’s” and “tomboy’s.” I’m like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? I honestly experienced laughing at such persons because hello, my parents were doing it, so it isn’t wrong obviously? But with what I have learned from the world already. They shouldn’t do that. Nope. Never. No fucking way. Made me think like what if, hypothetically, I come out as bisexual, how would they react?

So, what is my point here? My point is this: Maybe they got used to controlling my decisions–like the way they raised me, the environment I grew up in, and the things they taught me–that when the time comes that I wanted to make a decision for myself they would feel like there’s something wrong… well not with them, but with me.

Having such religious parents is hard especially when I’m in that phase where I’m still finding myself and looking for the right path. You know, teenage angst. Recently, I acted a little weird during mass and after mass. I didn’t take communion. I refused to go in the church. I rejected my parent’s offer to take confession.

That’s where everything I said comes in. All I can think of right now is maybe they’re judging me already the way they would judge “bakla’s” and “tomboy’s.” They’re probably thinking that I’m starting to lose my shit that I’m slowly walking away from being a Catholic. (Well not, ‘cause obviously I still go to mass every Sunday because it’s been a fucking routine and I can’t get it out of my system.) They’re probably thinking that they need to do something because I’m in the evil side of things now.

I hope they’re not thinking that because they’re wrong.

I’m just looking for myself right now. Trying things because maybe some things will finally make sense to me. All I need right now is their understanding and not them being in control of my life and my decisions. What’s bad with going the other way and not the traditional way? What’s wrong with finally I’m doing something for myself?

Because the least that I need right now is my parents being so controlling. Making me do things I don’t want to do. Because that will just trigger me. Could probably trigger my depression or my suicidal thoughts again or worse to walk out of their lives.

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