I Care Too Much About My Looks, It Hurts

I grew up thinking that being pretty will make my life easier. That being pretty will open the doors to great opportunities. That being pretty will just be an easy task to do. And yes, I thought wrong.

I grew up as that child who is not told to be beautiful or anything, just cute, as they would describe me. And I was convinced that I am because it’s what they all say. But then I grew up even more and learned that there’s this thing called a beautiful face and a perfect body. And so I did what every other teenager would do when their insecurities sink in. I sulked. I told myself that I am different, that I am unique, and that this is who I really am. But it did not help. All it did to me was make me feel more miserable.

And so I was determined to make myself feel pretty. Exercise. Eating right. Make-up. Up my styling game. Be confident. I began to be fine and didn’t mind what others may think even though I know that they would still judge me. But despite that, I still did what I know I can do just to make myself feel great and good.

I thought I finally achieved that life-long goal. I thought life will become easier. I thought wrong.

Now that I know how to dress myself, how to express myself, and how to be make myself look pretty, I am hurting even more—the heartaches, the stress, and the anxiety. I wanted to get people’s attention but I didn’t want them to stare at me from head to toe. I wanted people to finally like me but I didn’t want them to like me just because I’m pretty outside. I wanted people to tell me that I am pretty but I didn’t want them to take advantage of me.

It’s all different now compared to when my thinking was simple is beautiful. Everything about being pretty and confident is complicated. I wish I was just good with being simple and just me. But I guess I will never be able to gain some self-esteem if I didn’t know how to make myself look good and feel good.

It’s that complicated.

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