I hate feeling things because I am convinced that I suddenly become a totally different person whenever I do feel. It’s as if my mind has a button for every single emotion and I would shift to that other me because somebody chose to push that button. Which is what usually happens that explains the triggers I have.
I hate feeling sad and lonely because I become that person who stays in bed all day and all night. I become distant to people but also wanting to talk to them, but I would choose not to because I am sure that I would annoy the shit out of them. When I am sad, I would overthink a lot of things. And by a lot, I mean a lot. A ton of thoughts swimming around my head, wanting to be released, but I cannot. When I am sad, there’s a possibility that I am thinking of wanting to die. And sometimes I would hurt myself and I hate that, I really hate that.
I hate feeling jealous and mad because I become that person who wants to make war with a lot of people. I would get jealous to someone but I would get mad to a person also involved with him and I would want to kill them. When I am envious, I want to kill people. I want to kill every single one of them. I want to kill that guy who broke my heart. I want to kill that girl who slithered him. I want to kill that wall. When I am envious, I would punch a wall and make myself feel miserable and strong because I want to convince myself that I am capable of taking those people down—those people who hurt me.
I hate feeling needy and clingy because I become that person who says everything that comes in their head. I would not even think of what I am going to say, I would just burst out my feelings and show them my vulnerability—which is a really fragile part of me. When I’m needy, I would show everything to them. I would bare myself in front of them just being the authentic and miserable me, and that sucks. Because that part of me is a sign of my weakness, which is also what happens when I’m needy. I would strip down my ego and pride just to let you know that I need you and that I miss you and that I want your attention all on mine.
I hate feeling happy and enthusiastic because I become that person who is too energetic and that eats too much energy off my body. I am not an extroverted type, I’m an introvert—shy and likes doing things on my own. But when I am happy, I talk a lot and would say things that are too good to even be true. When I am happy, I would not even think about the reality that I am really a sad person and everything makes me cry and that I am a hard person to understand.