I really hate the fact that I become the person somebody hates. I don’t understand why I unconsciously act like someone that the person I like dislikes. I don’t know if it’s because I just want the attention or I was born to act the way things aren’t supposed to be because I was made to disappoint people?
The first time I meet a person, the first thing that goes in my mind is would he/she hate me? And the time they tell me that hate a certain trait I would always keep that in mind because I don’t want to irritate people, especially now that I know that they don’t like that kind of attitude.
But after days of being not that way, I do the opposite.
What’s just sad about this is I would expect these people to stay by me when in fact I’m doing something that would cause them to stay away from me instead. I’m so difficult. I don’t even understand my intentions anymore. Like why would I want them to stay when everything that I do since then is do the things they don’t like?
I’m so confusing.
Then I see myself just giving too much of myself to these people. I suddenly become vulnerable and weak whether we just met a week before or we’ve been friends since the first day. Why? Why would I even do that? Why would I bare myself out there when I don’t even know what’s ahead of me?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Everything about this makes me hate myself. I hate myself for being too clingy. I hate myself for being too needy. I hate myself for asking too much attention. I hate being too dependent on people. I hate having feelings. I hate having to cope up with people and what they want. I hate not putting myself first all the time. I hate that I would always think of others first—what they would think, what they need, or what they would say.
I lack the self-love that they keep on reminding everyone.
I don’t love myself. I still don’t accept this part of me. I still think that feeling these things isn’t right and that people won’t accept this as well.