It happened like this:
I was walking towards an auditorium full of empty chairs, hoping you’re there, silently waiting for me. As I continue walking, I repeat a chant to myself, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Everything will stay the same.” I don’t even know if I was just encouraging myself though positive thinking or just making myself sadder because of the fact that there’s a big possibility that I’m just fooling myself. Making myself believe that everything will be fine when in the first place everything’s been destroyed already.
Then there you were. Standing as if you feel nothing. Standing as if you got nothing to say to me. Standing as if you’re not mad at me.
I looked at you and it’s as if time slowed down for us. You were looking at me with those big brown eyes. Your hair was black and down—the kind of hair I’ve always liked. Your hands were going through your hair as if you’re nervous of something, and that’s when I felt scared. Because you looked like as if you’re ready to face a battle but scared to face your enemy.
Am I the enemy?
Are we the battle?
Don’t you want to fight for us?
These thoughts were running through my head. Thoughts that want to be answered. Thoughts that you don’t want to leave behind or else my mind will be screwed. Then that’s when I’m suddenly right in front of you, saying hi and asking how are you.
You said you were fine and that you’re tired. And that’s when I noticed you never laid your eyes on me ever again. Since that day I told you that. And I remembered how we usually lock our eyes because we understand each other and that we told ourselves that we will be there for each other.
And now as if, you left me behind just because of that.
I asked why.
All you said was, “Never.”
You turned your back to me and never said a word again. All the things I wanted to say—gone. All the words I want you to hear—gone. All the effort we made for each other—gone.
If you could just hear me out, I would’ve told you to not be scared to take a risk for me. Don’t hold back. Don’t be scared of what might happen. Just seize these kind of moments. But I know you won’t understand anything. I know that you’ll stand to what you believe in until the end. Because you’re not that kind of person who just gives up, you’re someone who has a strong faith to what you want to say.
That’s why I’m giving you up after you gave up on me.
That’s why I’m leaving these feelings on the trash after you threw them all away.
That’s why the friendship that we had is all gone.
I guess it’s all up to us now whether we will make this a big deal or not. Whether this will really change something about our relationship or not.
But one thing’s for sure, I learned to never say I like you to someone you’re really close with, ever again.