Just like any other dancer starting out, I was one of those whose reason of dancing is to express myself. But after a year of staying in a dance group, I became more open to what being able to dance really means to me.
The last time I had this talk with someone, I nearly got emotional. It was under a really starry night, under a tree, a perfect night for being vulnerable. It was only just my friend and I, no one to judge you, just her who you know you can trust.
But this time—the second time I was faced with this question—it was just too much. The timing was not really perfect for I was in a lot of negative emotions during that moment. Everything just came right to me, I didn’t know where to start. I kept on thinking if what I’m about to say is really related to the question of why I dance.
Well maybe, life does work in such mysterious ways.
I broke down. Everything I wanted to say, yung linya na binuo ko sa isip ko, the explanation to every reason, bigla na lang nawala at hindi ko na nasabi.
So here it is, para makuntento na ako at hindi na ako mag-isip isip pa. Isusulat ko na ng maayos kung bakit nga ba ako nagsasayaw. Para tumahimik na din ang isip ko kakaisip kung naintindihan nga ba nila yung gusto kong sabihin.
“Maraming nakapansin na sobrang drama ko sa Twitter. Iniwasan ko na nga din na mag-drama masyado kasi lagi na lang yun ang bungad nila sakin. “Uy Magy, bakit ang lungkot lungkot mo naman sa twitter? Uy, wag ka na mag-overthink.” All those shit. Ako naman ‘tong, “Ah, wala lang. Basta.” I’m the kind of person who keeps on bottling up my feelings. ‘Di ako nasanay na mag-open up sa iba unless pilitin nila ako and I really feel safe with them.
Kaya ako nag-sasayaw kasi kapag nag-sasayaw ako dun ko nailalabas ang lahat ng stress ko sa buhay. Nakakalimutan ko na malungkot nga pala ako. Nakakalimutan ko na wala nga pala akong kwenta sa ibang bagay. Feeling ko ibang tao ako kapag nag-sasayaw ako. Para akong nag-pperform ng isang play. Gumaganap ako bilang ibang tao kasi hirap na hirap akong maging ako.
Kaya ako nag-sasayaw kasi gusto kong may maipagmalaki ako. Kasi dati nasanay na lang akong lagging nasa tabi. Yung kapag may performances sa school, gustong-gusto ko sumayaw pero lagi lang akong nasa tabi kahit gustong-gusto kong gumitna. Sobrang black sheep ko. Sabik ako sa spotlight kahit takot na takot akong maging center of attention. Kaya ngayon eto na-chachallenge ako every now and then, which is a good thing for me.
Kaya gusto ko sumayaw kasi na-aappreciate ako ng mga tao. Dito kasi sabik silang makita akong mag-improve, never pa atang may naniwala at nagsabi sakin na iba na kaya ko ang isang bagay before this happened. Di naman kasi ako na-aappreciate sa acads o sa ibang bagay kasi I fail myself most of the time.”
Maybe my reason for dancing is kind of “too much” for just a simple question. Maybe it was just my emotions kicking in. Maybe I was just too tired to even function really well that I cried and forgot how to construct a sentence and to control my emotions. Maybe there are more excuses and maybe there are more reasons. But one thing stays the same, I dance because of the passion. My passion may just be still growing, but I know that it keeps on growing as I continue this path.