When You’re In Pain, You Stay Quiet

I’ve been feeling a lot of chest pains lately. And a lot of other pains in other parts of my body. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve just been lying around and not exercising when I’m supposed to be or if it really is a serious problem. I don’t want to assume that I do have a problem in my body, but circumstances makes me want to.

I don’t deny that I am also concerned with my mental health. People I knew who has the courage to ask, asked me if I went to a psychiatrist already. But we know the answer to that, it’s a no. First, I don’t have the guts to go. My mind says I’m still in denial. Second, I know it’s expensive. I know the therapy and the medications costs a fortune and I don’t want my parents to think about that every single time, again.

But what concerns me the most is what if my mind had too much already and it just gives up? What if it stopped fighting and just continues to break down? What if I can’t fix it anymore? What if one day it will just lead to me lying on the floor with a slash on the wrist or me hanging on the ceiling catching my breath?

This concerns makes me think that I really need help. But I can’t go for it so I kind of make my physical pains my excuse.

I keep on telling my parents about my chest pains. I keep on ranting about how my body hurts. Because I know for a fact that for them, physical pains mean a lot more than mental health. If I tell them about my concerns about my mental health, they’ll just think that I’m just thinking about it. That I’m just looking for attention. That I’ve just been spending a lot of time alone. That it’s nothing.

Well maybe I do want attention because for the weeks, I haven’t gotten any. Sure they give me money for stuff I need, but they haven’t asked anything. Sure they provide me food to eat, but they haven’t asked anything. All I need is just a simple question, kamusta ka naman?

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