I don’t even know where to start in this madness of emotions that I just experienced. It felt like it was too much for just one night. It felt like I was getting ready for something harsher than that.
You know how you’re in that one group of friends and they tell you to not fall in love with your friend because duh? It kind of felt like that when I saw him again.
Funny because he was the first person I saw as soon as I got there and look at how this turns more to a joke, we never spoke. Just casual conversations. Just hello’s and hi’s. Just laughs shared with other people in the group. It’s unlike us. Or maybe I was just expecting to have maybe shared a conversation with him because I missed him. I miss talking to him. I miss his comforting words. I miss his optimism because I need that right now. I miss just being with him.
Instead I was stuck with trying to socialize. Trying to fit in with the crowd. Trying to do the things that they do. Just because if I wouldn’t, I’d be left out. And nobody would like that—but it was a great idea, to be left alone—they would just think how I’m such of a killjoy. Maybe it was the flow of the few alcohol drinks that I took that made me join their conversations and play with them.
Card game sucked. I was planning my move with him, yet he keeps on going around because apparently he’s already a leader or something. People keeps on leaving me behind so I just follow them. Bobo game made me feel much more stupid as fuck. Their dares, stares, and laughs just made me want to kill myself right there in front of them just to make them feel how much it hurts me even though I know they’re really not laughing at me—or are they?
Would they even have cared? Of course not.
And then came the worse. They felt pity on me. That really hit me. It hit me so hard that maybe these people around me actually think that I’m such a weakling. That I can’t handle any truths or dares anymore. That I can’t handle the pressure of thinking of a thing under that category.
So I finally made the decision to back off and just think oh I’m sorry, overthink.
I was sitting there beside two other people just watching them. While I listen to their memory game, I pondered how it feels to drown in that pool. How I would just let myself lose my breath in that deep part of the pool where the water was already above my head. How I suck because I can’t keep up with their genius and fast brains that catch up easily. How I am not really that strong for giving up and making them think that I had enough.
And I slowly look at them and caught him looking at me and I just slowly put my head down because I can’t believe I’m assuming again. I can’t believe it. Maybe I just wanted someone to see what I am doing. Maybe I wanted someone to realize that I’m feeling sad and it’s not good.
In the end, they stopped playing. People started chatting with me so I talked to them as well. But one person still haven’t. And I hate how this night turned out. Because I still wanted to talk to him, tell him things that made me happy, tell him things that went well. And I wanted to ask him how he is doing.
This is what I get for expecting too much.
This is what I get for having so much feelings.
This is what I get for liking someone who I would spend so much time very often and so it becomes weird and awkward between us without me even knowing if he does know that I like him or does he not?
This is what I get for being me.
It sucks. I hate myself. What’s funny was that I know I was having fun and was all energetic before this happened and then just like that, everything changes. I became sad and furious and mad. Then I suddenly want to talk to people again. After a while, I hate everyone again. I’m so hopeless.