When You Start To Love Yourself and Then Not Again

I don’t deny the fact that I am an insecure teenage girl who doesn’t have enough self-esteem to think that she’s worth it of everything that is perfect and beautiful because she can’t see herself as perfect and beautiful, so what’s the point? Yet there are blissful moments that makes me want to stay there because I feel like I am the queen that I think I am sometimes. But then reality strikes you with the notion of perfection and beautiful and flawless, so I go back to that place again.

Everything feels like a blur every time I would look at my selfies or someone’s photo of me. I would instantly think that I don’t look that great, that I look like a mess, or that I look like someone who got stuck under a fallen building. That’s why I don’t even take selfies that often anymore. I feel like I look like shit.

But have you ever had those moments where in you look at a full body mirror and that’s it? That’s when you appreciate how beautiful you are. That’s when you appreciate the real beauty. That’s when you realize that they were right, I must love myself.

Those moments after taking a bath, you enter your room and you just feel like stripping naked because why not? And you feel the cold breeze because you’re in your birth skin then you suddenly stop in front of your full body mirror and see how amazing you are. Those are the moments where I can’t see my insecurities anymore. Like it all fell off when you took a bath and left it there because you realize that that’s the reason why you’re feeling all big and heavy.

I can’t see that girl who got fat just after weeks of no training. I can’t see the girl with the inappropriate height too small to see even anything when she’s in a crowd at a concert. I can’t see the imperfect skin that looks so ugly that makes people back off once they get close to me. I can’t see the imperfect body that I think I have.

Then I would start dressing myself—trying to hide the perfection I think I am because that’s not how people see me. That’s not the norm that people know I am. That’s not the me that they know of. Because just like what the society keeps on saying, everybody has flaws.

So I continue to hide my perfection underneath the black and comfortable clothes, just enough for people to keep on judging me based on what they can see and not on what’s underneath.

And I just continue living.

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