What Getting To Know Myself More Felt Like

I’ve been gaining a lot of new information about myself for the past few months. Either it’s a new information or I’ve known that information for a long time and I was just able to check that I am right. And because of that, I’ve been pondering a lot about questions like, “Who am I really?”, “Is this thing about me real or am I just imagining it?”, and “Do people also see these things about me?”

My Psychology 1 GE Subject paved the way for me to know things like this. I’ve posted about it before but recently I’ve known a lot more about me. To be honest, I got excited to know what my personality traits are—what I am like—because finally, I will be able to explain those things that I’ve been doing, and another part of that excitement is the fact that I will know that I am not alone.

But I felt the other way around.

I got scared. I wanted to cry. I was afraid. Just because I’ve known all along that I am that kind of person, it’s just that I’ve been denying it and now that I’m sure that everything I knew is true felt like reality struck me with an arrow right through my brain. It was kind of overwhelming as well. The stream of information caused my emotions to get so confused and satisfied at the same time.

Everything seemed new to me when really I was just checking if everything that I believed that was true about myself is really true—and I got the answer that I expected and I guess that’s how reality works.

Most people would say that getting to know yourself would help you understand yourself, it would help you to fully accept who you are and that it would help you to love yourself but what I felt upon knowing that I am the kind of person who is secretive, only talks to people who are close to me, is not emotionally stable, and that I am that kind who is in the risk of needing psychiatric help, is that I really do need help. I need help in a lot of factors. I need help because what I am—when you combine all them—is not healthy.

I am an introvert yet I have an external locus of control. I have a low emotional stability yet I tend to follow my feelings and not be practical. The irony is everywhere. I am an irony.

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