Apparently I’m a Collectivist and has Low Self-Esteem

This week on my Psychology 1 recitation class, we took three tests: Locus of Control Inventory, The Self-Esteem Scale, and the Self-Monitoring Scale. Our professor said that this will help us get to know ourselves, and I would really like that because personally I’ve been trying my best to find myself and get to know myself a lot better than I already have.

Before the test, I really don’t know what results to expect? Am I an individualist? A collectivist? Or maybe a mixture of both? Is my locus of control dependent on others or it’s all up to me? Or maybe I’m normal, that is it depends on the situation, like the others? Do I have a low self-esteem because of my insecurities? Or do I have a high self-esteem because I can still live up to what I am now? My mind was going to places on what I really am, that’s why I was quite excited with what would come out of the test.

Taking the test was torture.

It was like reality slapping you on the face that you are that kind of person. That I really think that way. I guess that’s how the “truth hurts” statement was made. Bato bato nga naman sa langit, ang tamaan, edi tama! As much as I want to deny every statement that seems like a negative one, I can’t help but agree with it. Especially during the self-esteem part. Oh God. It was emotional torture. Statements like “At times, I think I am no good at all.” and “I certainly feel useless at times.” really talk so much about what I think about myself.

Anyways, on the Locus of Control Inventory I got 18 points over 40. And that means I have an external locus of control. Which, based on the lecture, means that others control my destiny. That my decisions usually depends on what the people around me says or does. And I completely agree with it. I honestly don’t like getting the attention of people even though I crave for attention most of the time. I don’t like being on the spotlight. Even though being on the spotlight makes me feel really special and appreciated. I’m the kind of person who goes with what other people does because I don’t like being left alone. So yeah, I do have an external locus of control. When I make a decision by myself, I often don’t’ feel confident about it. I usually need advice from my friends or family. Sigh. Environment play a big role on my decisions.

The Self-Esteem Scale just proved what I already know: that I have a low self-esteem. I wanted to deny it, but I personally know that I do have a low self-esteem. Self-esteem is defined as a person’s overall sense of self-worth. And I guess this just means that I don’t see myself as worth it. Which is true, I do think that way. I guess I can apply on myself the contradiction between having a low self-esteem but having a high self-confidence. When I know I can do something, I do my best, I am shy but not when I’m confident about what I’m doing. But even though I am confident with it, I have this doubt in myself whether I’m supposed to do it or I would question myself if I’m proud of what I’m doing or if I’m a complete failure.

I forgot what our professor said about what I got on the Self-Monitoring Scale. I’ll just research about it and talk about it next time. Then after writing this I remembered that we actually took a fourth test, and I guess I’ll just talk about it in that blog post as well.

Psychology really blows my mind. My dreams of taking that course is still on the surface. I guess I really just want to know the reasons behind why people or even myself act that way, in that way I’ll completely understand the way things are. I won’t need to over think, I won’t need to be in a case of paranoia, and I won’t need to blame myself for all the wrong things that keeps on happening.

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