Going Back To My Roots

Today is the feast day of St. John Bosco, one of the founders of the Salesian Community where my school is part of and most importantly, where I graduated high school—my Alma mater. Yesterday, we attended a mass celebrating his feast day which led me to realizing some things.

I really thought I was sick of my Alma mater because of how unmemorable my memories from there were. Maybe I was sick of how conservative everything was back then. Maybe I was so guarded in that school for ten years that once I got into college I forgot all about the security that we had back then and I just let the freedom eat me. Maybe because it was the first time I really felt independent and free from rules and regulations like just using black and white scrunches or that we had to tie our hair back every recess. I felt like I was controlled by the system—our school.

It was not only how we felt controlled physically, but also mentally and emotionally. In my ten years stay in my Alma mater, I always had the mindset that I’m supposed to be pure, innocent, and morally good. I even thought having a boyfriend was wrong and that we weren’t supposed to have one because we’re still in that school. I basically grew up all conservative and all which honestly led me to be curious of things. I think that’s the downside of strict rules, it’s so strict that you want to break them because it will feel as if you have completed something challenging, and yes it feels satisfying. They were right about feeling good doing things that are not right.

That’s why I kind of hated the system. Besides the people I was around that time who pissed me off every single time because of how immature they were and how much attention they have, the system was completely unfair. Everything was unfair in that place. I didn’t feel the equality. Considering the fact that it is a catholic school, people should be more understanding in that place—more understanding of people and how everyone should be treated equally. Ugh, who can even not hate that right? Especially when you worked hard for something but other people gets the credit.

There’s so much things to hate that I think I forgot that that’s where I came from.

I studied there from Kinder until the day I graduated high school. I basically spent my whole childhood and adolescent years there. I spent half of my days in there trying to mold my image and knowledge of such things in life for ten years. Which led me to think that: If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be the way that I am right now. I know I hated how they treat students unfairly, I know I hated how controlling they were on our decisions, and I know I hated the fact that we need to act good and all lovey-dovey every time we’re around them but I also do know that it helped me know the things I believe in nowadays. If they would not have controlled us on our decisions about men and the pleasure, I could’ve given myself already to whoever wanted me (or whenever I wanted something). If they would not have taught us to stay humble, people from college would’ve already hated me. If they would not have taught us to be simple and pure, I would not be this interesting to people.

It’s so funny that most of the things that they told us not to do, I’ve been doing already ever since I entered college. I would talk about sex most of the time, I would cuss every single day, and I would drink alcohol whenever I want to. But nevertheless, I still go to mass every Sunday, I still would pray before exams, I still believe in simplicity, I still thank people, I still follow my dreams and the things I want to do.

It just feels good remembering where I came from especially those times I feel lost. It feels good that at some point in my life, I was once innocent and so good. Honestly, sometimes I feel so bad already that I would want to go back to being that shy girl afraid of the world and the consequences that would happen once I do something wrong.

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