Our regular training hours started this week, it was quite challenging since I really haven’t been doing active things since finals week last semester and it continued all throughout the Christmas vacation which led people to saying that I gained weight, that I look chubbier and that I need to lose weight again. I accepted that “kind” criticisms because I myself know that I did gain weight after all the eating and countless TV watching while lying on the sofa. Anyway, I think that’s one factor that really touched my self-esteem in a bad way, which led me to feeling sort of not pretty and not fit enough to do things, which led to me doing things in an unprofessional way.
I felt really weak this week. It was a weak week. I felt like I didn’t know my purpose in the group. I didn’t know who to be with, who to talk to and who to be. I really thought I was done with the “I need to find myself and my own identity first,” but I think that’s what’s lacking in me—my own identity. I think that’s the reason why I’m always stuck in the side, afraid of people, afraid of attention and afraid of getting it.
Nevertheless, I know in myself that I really like what I’m doing, which in this point of view, is dancing I just need some more of that recipe of responsibility, and by this I mean the perfect recipe that thing that comes with time management and knowing my priorities.
Someday, I will be part of that group of people who will be able to perform in front of so many people. Someday, I will be part of that group of people who will be known as the people who performs and competes. Someday people will walk up to me and tell me beautiful things to boost my self-esteem.
Kind of sucks feeling this way, but I know that it will be worth it if I continue to work hard and give time to my dreams. I won’t let anybody bring me down with them.